Collective Reasoning

(or How Animals got their Collective Names)

Sharks are a shiver 'cos they’ll give you the chills
Crows are a murder 'cos they make a lot of kills

Lions are a pride 'cos they've let it go to their head
Jellyfish are a smack 'cos they'll leave your arse bright red

Cobras are a quiver 'cos they’re straight as arrows
Foxes are a charm 'cos they’re delightful fellows

Crocs are a bask 'cos in the sunshine they be hangin’
Elk are a gang 'cos they always be bangin’

Ferrets are a business 'cos they’re all about the money
Geese are a gaggle 'cos they think everythin’ is funny

Swans are a bevy 'cos they’re always in the drink
Fish are a school 'cos their oils help you think

Frogs are an army 'cos they like to dress in camo
Gorillas are a band 'cos they play drums, bass and piano

Hyenas are a cackle 'cos they love to laugh
Skunks are a stench 'cos they need a bath

Goats are a trip 'cos they’re always stumbling on things
Swans are a wedge 'cos they like to wear g-strings

Apes are a shrewdness 'cos they'll make you look a fool
Bees are-a swarm 'cos they’re not-a s’cool

Kangaroos are a mob 'cos they have been made
Jaguars are a shadow 'cos they throw that shade

Lemurs are a conspiracy 'cos they’re all flat earth
Moles are a labour 'cos they’ve be giving birth

Leopards are a leap 'cos they're always jumpin’
Camels are a caravan 'cos there's a lot of humpin’

Hippos are a bloat 'cos they’ve got high cholesterol
Monkeys are a barrel 'cos that is how they roll

Otters are a family 'cos they hate each other guts
Porcupines are a prickle 'cos they’ll do that to your butts

Oxen are a team 'cos they aint’ got no ‘I’
Owls are a parliament 'cos they fly lie-lie-lie-lie

Parrots are a pandemonium 'cos they kick up a ruckus
Ravens are an unkindness 'cos they try to fuck us

Elephants are a parade 'cos they make you make a clearing
Rabbits are a herd 'cos they have such good hearing

Bears are a sloth 'cos they laze about all day
Bats are a camp 'cos they act so gay

Rhinos are a crash 'cos they always make that sound
Turtles are a bale 'cos they do not hang around

Falcons are a cast 'cos they're moulded from tin
Puppies are a litter 'cos you dump ‘em in the bin*

Wolves are a pack 'cos they're always on your back
Rabbits are a berry 'cos they make a tasty snack

Donkeys are a drove 'cos they were once a drive
Kittens are a kindle as seen on Amazon live™

Pigs are a drift 'cos they’re lost at sea
Tigers are a streak, a streak of yellow wee

Snakes are a nest 'cos they look like a bunch of sticks
Cats are a glaring 'cos they act total dicks

Stingrays are a fever 'cos they’re so adrenal
Rats are a colony 'cos they are so penal

Toads are a knot 'cos they will negate
Giraffes are a tower 'cos they're on the lookout mate!

Buffalo are an obstinacy 'cos they’re stubborn fucks
Dogs are a pound which is around two bucks

Flamingos are a stand 'cos they do not move
Turkeys are a rafter 'cos they raise the roof

Zebras are a zeal 'cos they're so enthusiastic
Squirrels are a scurry 'cos they behave so spastic

Diary entry #87

Oh no.
The keyboard player is cranking tunes
What the fuck is he listening to?
I think it’s Moby………

Dick head.

I had great expectations
of having a quiet night in on the tour bus
watching my David Copperfield illusions DVD
But the idiot has to annoy me
and I have to suppress my desire to enact the law of the jungle.

‘em Danno. LOL!

I suppose this is just the way we live now;
Men without women.
on the road
pretending to be brave.

New World Order conspiracy theories
play silently on the TV monitor.
Apparently lizards
are in positions of power
all around the world.

In eighty days
the tour will be through and I’ll be home
but right now all I want is a lolita.
Out here you dream of women
But they only want you when you don't need ‘em
and when you do need ‘em,
they don't wanna know ya.
They act like you’re invisible.
, now that’s what you call a Catch-22.

No Air-con.
Thermometer reads ninety degrees Fahrenheit.
ants attack a half-eaten, melted snickers
I counted them ‘cos I’m the prince of OCD.
Good onya ants.
Eat as much as you like,
doesn’t bother me.

Gazing out the window
I see the wind in the willows whipping the vines
in a way that’s vicious enough to kill.

A mocking bird
is lashed in the face.
By the looks of that gash
he’s gonna need a Phantom of the opera mask.

The drummer stunk up the bus.
Smells like whatever he excreted
had been inside him since 1984.
Stinks worse than a dumpster at a slaughterhouse.
times worse. Good Lord!

Of the flies
buzzing around the toilet door
the fat one is my favourite.
I’ve named him ‘The Big’.

is what I need
but my bunk is covered
with the droppings of mice
and men
are playing poker down there.
I don't wanna listen to that shit at the second.

is something I won't be having tonight.
But that don't matter
‘cos alcohol is better than sex.
Just wish I had somethin’ to mix with the rum.

entry #87


Animal Encounters

I was down at my local park
When I see this drunken aardvark
Laying on his back
As tanked as a yak
Rolling around in the bark

He goes “Oi! Do you wanna drink?!”
Raising his glass with a wink
I said “Whatta you got?”
He goes “Pure gut rot
everythin' in it but the kitchen sink!”

So I go “Yeah alright cool”
'Cos I like me some rocket fuel
But It sent me to a vortex
Fucked my frontal cortex
And that’s how I came to be such a fool

Last Tuesday 'round about noon
I saw a baboon havin’ a hoon
Pedal to the floor
In his V8 Commodore
Acting like a fuckin’ loon

Doin’ doughies out the front of macca's
And setting off dodge firecrackers
He went “Toot-Toot!”
When he saw two cute
Blonde, big-titted backpackers

The chicks jumped in his ride
I got in the front passenger side
Then we took 'em to the lake
Gave 'em both the snake
And smoked shard 'til our brains were fried

I met this purple caterpillar
Who was an old-school OG chiller
Sittin' on a huge shroom
Suckin' down the dank fumes
Of the kush that they call vanilla

He said “Hey man, you wanna toke
of this psycholicious smoke?”
So I hopped up there
Without a fuckin' care
'Cos he seemed like a cool enough bloke

I took a rip from his hookah billy
Which made me light headed and silly
But things really got weird
When he ruffled my beard
And tried to make me touch his willy!

I was walking down through the boondocks
When I spot over yonder, a fox
But he saw me comin’
So he started runnin’
And hid in an old cardboard box

I went over and said “Oi dude
You hungry 'cos I've got some food?”
He goes “whatta ya got?”
I go “pies, and they're hot
And some snags that've been barbecued

He goes “Cheers a lot for the tucker
You're a real chill mother fucker"
Then he got me a hooker
Who wasn't much of a looker
But she sure was a sick cock sucker!

It was down in Santo Domingo
Where I met this chick flamingo
She was soakin' up the rays
with legs for weeks n’ days
A bona fide hot-pink bimbo

I layed down next to her on the sand
N’ said "Hey baby, I’m in a band"
She said “What to you play?”
I said “The ukelaylay”
But my pun, she didn’t quite understand

I said “I’m rock n' roll Aussie backpacker”
She said “right, so you're a lame slacker”
So long story short
We went to my resort
Where I porked her right in the clacker!

There once was...8

There once was a girl named Patty
Whose appearance was haggard n’ ratty
She would use glad wrap
To hold in the flab
On her gut, 'cos she was a big fatty

One night out at the club
She was dancing with some scrub
But when he touched her waist
It burst in his face
And he drowned in the sea of blub

There once was a dude named Brock
Who had a thin yet lengthy cock
He could crack it like a whip
Or use it to skip
Or even to pick a deadlock

But ‘cos it was thin as a pin
No ladies would sleep with him
So he injected it with lard
Which made it thick n' hard
That’s when the frenzy did begin

Women flocked from all over the state
So that they could get a hot date
With the guy with a dick
The size of Moby Dick
With the sole intent to copulate

Brock made each and every one
Wail out loud (excuse the pun)
He laid so many girls
That now half the new world
Is his distant grand daughter or son

There once was a con-man named Benny
Who was as crooked as a wooden penny
He said that he had
A sweet penthouse pad
And was once nominated for an Emmy™

In town he was a big hit
‘Til it was revealed he was full of shit
He didn’t have a private jet
He was struggling with debt
And he wasn’t best mates with Brad Pitt

All the people felt really dumb
To’ve been hoodwinked by this bum
They bought all his lines
And never saw the signs
Like the stains on his clothes made by cum

There once was a sports fan named Dwayne
Who thought ‘twas his job to explain
All of the game's rules
To his mates, like fools
The arse region, is where he was a pain

So one night before a big bout
His mates told him they were going out
To a sports bar called Gene’s
To watch it on the big screens
And drink cold pints of draught stout

So he waited in the wet out the front
‘Til he got their text message affront
It said “Fuck you Dwayne!
Hope you like the rain!
Don’t call us again you dumb cunt!"

Capital City Limericks

There once was a young lad from Melbourne
Who had a market stall where he'd sell porn
But when his mother found out
She gave him a clout
Which sent a stack of VHS tapes airborne

When he was picking them up from the ground
He looked at one and guess what he found
A bestiality tape
Staring his mum with an ape
A gazelle and an Irish wolfhound

Their once was a young lady from Perth
Who had an enormous waist girth
Her gut was so portly
Her own mother thought she
Was soon about to give birth

She said “Mum I’m not preggers you dork
I'm just fond of my knife and fork
And besides that you crone
You weigh nineteen stone
So who the fuck are you to talk!"

There was an old dame from Sydney
Who made a pie of steak and kidney
She fed it to her man
Straight out of the pan
But he didn't know nothin' didn't he

For her old hubby was not wise
To what his missus put in her pies
And he couldn't see
'Twas his own kidney
'Cos she'd also baked in both his eyes

There once was a copper from Brizzy
Who’d carbonate his piss to make it fizzy
Then serve it at the station
To his mates for hydration
They dubbed the drink “blue-line whizzy”

But one day something was amiss
There was an odd aroma to the piss
And all the cops had a hunch
What their mate had for lunch
Must have contained asparagus

There once was a priest from Adelaide
Who wished that he had a milk maid
Who’d kneel in the pulpit
While he preached his bullshit
And rub his dick with marmalade

So he asked the pope if he was allowed
Pope said "It would make me proud
To know a holy man
Was having citrus jam
Spread on his cock while sermonisin' the crowd"

There once was a fella from Hobart
Who wasn't too bad with a blow dart
He put one in his straw
Blew it at a whore
Which caused her to do a huge ho fart

She yelled “Oi! Why’d you shoot that at me!”
As she started getting real dizzy
Then she fell to the street
So he whipped out his meat
And did his best impression of Bill Cosby

There once was a bloke from Darwin
Who was out in the bay catchin' marlin
When he pulled up a bite
He got a huge fright
'Cos on the end of the line was Steve Martin

Steve was clearly upset
He cried “How fuckin’ stupid can ya get!
I’m trying to spear fish
You stupid dumb bitch
Imma teach you a lesson you won't forget!"

Then Steve came aboard the guys boat
And jumped around like a wild mountain goat
He smashed a hole in the hull
With the guys balding skull
And yelled “Now lets see ya try n’ float!”

There once was a lass from Canberra
Who was attacked one night by a chimera
So She took off her bra
And laughed "Aha ha ha!"
To show the beast it didn't scare her

Then she picked up a stone from the ground
Stuck it in her bra and swung it around
And just like a sling
She flug it at the thing
Getting it right in the pussy mound!


I once had constipation
on a seriously massive scale
‘Twas a cause of much frustration
Gather 'round n' I'll tell you the tale

I think it was last Autumn
Around April or was it May
That I had a problem in my bottom
I wasn't in a very good way

I was banked up for an odd mile
with compacted, solid poo
I hadn't suffered a blockage for while
So I had to remember what to do

I drank a mug of prune juice
to get my bowels a-flowin’
But it didn't help me take a deuce
and the problem kept on goin’

My guts inside felt dense
like a pound of hardened toffee
So to flush out their contents
I drank a strong cup of coffee

An hour later there still was
an internal, large, firm lump
Which concerned me deeply 'cos
I still hadn’t taken a dump

'Twas a case of a stubborn arse;
My colon was in refusal
So I mixed myself a large pint glass
of powdered Metamucil

And guzzled it down in one
then back and forth I walked
'Tis the opposite of good fun
feeling this badly corked

But still there was no movement
just a totally concrete state
Not one bit of improvement
I thought "Was it something that I ate?"

Now, I'd been clogged up before
but nothing quite like this
So I hobbled my way to the store
That they call the pharmacist

My turd-baby was way overdue
Yet my butt wouldn't go into labour
The girl said “Can I help you?”
I said “Laxatives! Chocolate Flavour!”

She said “Okay here you go
now take one when you get home”
I said “Yeah what would you know!
You authoritarian drone!”

I opened the pack and ate the lot
then chucked her a handful of money
She looked at me weird, I said “What?”
Then limped back home to the dunny

When I got in, I sat on the can
where I patiently waited……...

......and waited

.............and waited

Three hours later I yelled “C’MON MAN!!!!”
'cos my arse hadn't evacuated

That's when my girlfriend came home
and said “Rex what's with all the yelling?”
I said “ I've got anal-impaction syndrome”
She said “ Are you just story telling?”

I said “No, I'm seriously in pain
I’ve been bunged up something chronic
There's a traffic jam down the back lane"
She said “Oh, .......How ironic”

I said “There’s nothing ironic about it!
I need to make the train leave the tunnel”
She said “Okay there's no need to shout it"
I said “Go to the shed and get my red funnel”

By the time she got back with it in her hand
My cramps were aching most heinous
I said “Right, Now on my command
Stick the nozzle end up my anus"

She said "Are you fuckin' serious? ,Really?
You should probably see your G.P"
"I am not able to see a doctor clearly
Now please, listen very carefully"

"Trust me, I know what I am doing
I learnt this in Grade 4 science class
It's the only way to get me pooing
Now, I need you to stick the nozzle up my arse"

She said "Oh my god, NO!
I've just got back from the office"
I said "Look, Just when I tell you 'GO'
Insert the nozzle in my rear orifice"

She said "Oh Okay!, fuckin' hell!
I'll do it but I just don't know"
I said "Listen, there's no need to yell
Just slide it in when I say 'Go'"

So crouching down on all fours
I said “One, two, three Go”
Then she jammed it straight in with force
As I instinctively cried out “NOOOOOOO!”

So there I was on the bathroom floor
with the plastic funnel sticking in the air
I said “Okay, now go to the pantry door
You'll find a bottle of vinegar in there"

“Then after that also make sure
to grab the box of baking soda”
(I looked in the mirror and saw
That my face was as green as Yoda)

So, I’m laying on the cold tiles
from the waist down, in the buff
She comes back in and smiles
And says “Do ya think this’ll be enough?”

I said “Yeah, but what’s with the grin?"
She said “You just look kind of funny”
I go “How 'bout some bloody compassion!”
She said “Aww, You want me to call your mummy?”

“NO! Now listen!” I said with a frown
“Pour the vinegar down the flue”
So she poured the whole bottle down
and the box of baking soda too

Then Instantly there was a fizzy explosion
It was a liquid, brown ass-volcano
It came in waves like a disgusting ocean
She blocked her nose n’ yelled “Ohh, Hell No!”

It shot up like Old Faithful
from Yellowstone National Park
When it splashed back down I got a face full
I yelled “Ah grose! No, Oh Faark!”

There was shit dripping from the ceiling
which looked and smelt horribly foul
But I was filled with a sweet relieved feeling
As I wiped my face on her pink towel

“That was the nastiest thing I've ever seen”
she said throwing me a bucket and mop
“And Rex, I swear this better be sparkling clean
By the time I get back from the shop!”

I'm a Selfish Lover

I’m a selfish lover
and I don't care about you
This is about me
You hear that? ME! Thats who

Your job is to satisfy
my every sexual need
Your place is to follow
For I am born to lead

And I shall be treated
like a Middle Eastern Raj
So what I’ll get you to do
Is give me a massage

I’ll lay here relaxing
while you work my back
C’mon use some elbow grease
Stop being so slack

After three whole minutes
of rubbing my nude skin
I bet you're hot and horny
and ready to begin

That's all the foreplay
that you're gonna get
after that massage
you should by now be wet

I’m now checking your snatch
but it still seems to be dry
Time to get out the lube
I’m not an oral kind of guy

I'm gonna lay here
Now you get on top
And pump up and down
Until you make me POP!

C’mon don't be lazy
Do it better, do it faster
Moan for me louder
That’s how you please your master

Oh you’re hopeless
That's not how it's done
I’m gonna watch porn now
Because you can't make me cum

Just you keep riding me
while I watch this slutty teen
masturbating for me
on my mobile phone screen

This e-chick beats you
she so hot and so young
Oh yeah oooooooooo
I’m about to cum

Now quick get on your knees
and open up for me
As I jerk off in your mouth
Thats how its gonna be

Oh shit , that's the end
Of this video
Well, while I search for another
keep up the fellatio

I’m looking for another vid
on pornhub that I likes
Just you keep on sucking
Ah here we are “Horny dykes”

Now don't neglect the balls
while I watch my leso show
Oh yeah baby
Look at these chicks go

Yeah! This makes me feel
Just like I'm in a threesome
This is how I do it
This is how I get me some

Oh here we go Ooooooooo
Time to get it on your face
Yeah look at me I'M CUMMMING!
shooting white jizz on your face

It's on your cheeks, It's on your lips
It's in your goddamn eyes
Yeah I'm the god of sex!
I am the fuckin’ prize!

Yeah that's how I do
That is how it's done
It's all about me bitch
I don't care if you've not cum

‘Cos I’m a selfish lover
It is I who makes you whole
And for 25 bucks off eBay
You’re a pretty good blow up doll

Girls of the World

I’m forever travellin’ ‘round the world
I’m a dinkum Aussie rover
And no matter where on earth I am
I always get a leg over

I gallivant across the globe;
Laying girls from every nation state
And they're all special in their own way
Please allow me to elaborate

German Girls are feisty
and like to take control
They’ll get on top in bed
and cowgirl your steel pole

They can be very efficient
some might say obsessed
And they love to suck your bratwurst
during Oktoberfest

French girls are chic
and filled with horny passion
they will munch on your baguette
in the most elegant fashion

They'll show you the eiffel tower
and then show you their tits
Just try not to chunder
when you see their hairy pits

English girls are as dirty
as a chunk of old black coal
When Big Ben rings his bell
They’ll gobble your sausage roll

Then make you a cup of tea
brewed from the finest leaf
And Union Jack you off onto
their horrid, crooked teef

Mexican girls will dance for you
wearing next to nada
Then get down on their knees
to nibble your enchilada

They'll turn 'round bending over
and let you pump their spicy rear
Just don't drink the water down there
Lest you will get diarrhea

American girls love freedom
and are oh-so patriotic
With your hotdog in their buns
things will get steamy and erotic

They'll raise your Star Spangled Boner
And then grind and suck and hump
That's after they've painted your face orange
and made you role-play Donald Trump

Canadian girls are so friendly
They're the nicest ones you’ll meet
But boy do they enjoy
sitting on your juicy meat

They'll pour maple syrup over you
and soon as you're about to cream
They’ll turn around, spread their cheeks
and make you eat out their Poutine

Japanese girls love to Sake
on your Salmon Sushi
Then lift up their sailor skirt
and let you Mount their Fuji

When you go ninja on her ass
I tell ya, it’ll thrill ‘er
As she feels the orgas-tsunami
caused by your Huge Godzilla

Chinese girls are saucy
talkin' bout that sweet n’ sour
With them between the silk sheets
you’ll feel like a world superpower

Chowing down on your Dim-Sim
is an act they cant resist
Just don't let the brainwash you
into being a communist

Russian girls mean business
they don't talk no jive
They drink vodka like water
they need it to survive

They will Soviet your Union
until you say “Woo Hoo!”
Just make sure to split before
they try to marry you

Italian girls will lay right down
on a giant pizza
And cry out “Mamma Mia!”
As you give 'em your Tower of Pisa

They like it when you dress up
like you're in the Roman Army
And let them suckle on the end
of your hot salami

Indian girls like to take it slow
so I'd advise you not to hurry
Just wait to dip your poppadom
into their saffron curry

They'll hypnotize you with their dot
that's how they will seduce ya
before they take ya out the back of the temple
for a bit of Kama Sutra

Arab girls really know
how to make you chase
By acting all mysterious
and covering their face

Take 'em on a magic carpet
and feed their Camel Toe a finger
The best bit is you can leave the veil on
If she turns out to be a minger

So there you have it lads
A bit of worldly insight
Now with all this proven knowledge
You’ll be sure to do alright

So travel the world and ball them birds
Do it now! Don't hesitate
Or you could always keep living in your Mum’s basement
and eat Doritos while you Masturbate!

Fucked Fairytales 2

As the Ugly Duckling swam around
the others yelled out “FREAK!”
"Look at his horrid neck" They laughed
"Look at his stupid beak"
But as time went by that ugly duckling
grew into a big swan
Who beat the shit out of those ducks
With his superior brawn

When the Little Billy Goat Gruff
went out for a stroll
Out from under a foot bridge
jumped an angry troll
"This is my bridge you little shit
you're not allowed to cross!"
So the little goat got out a hammer
and nailed the troll to a cross

The Three Little Pigs ran and hid
inside the house of bricks
“You'll never get us in here wolf!
so you can suck our dicks!"
So the Big Bad Wolf blew on the house
which caused it to start shakin'
And when it fell down he caught the pigs
and turned 'em into bacon

Thumbelina cried
'cos she was kidnapped by a toad
Who kept her as a prisoner
in his slimy abode
But she escaped with a fairy prince
Who’s heart was brave yet tender
But their marriage didn't last because
he turned out to be a bender

When the shoemaker woke up in the morning
he couldn't believe his eyes.
There were pairs of boots and shoes made
in every style and size.
When he checked the CCTV
he saw that it was elves
Who had crafted all the footwear
that was sitting on his shelves
So the next night when they came back
he caught them in a cage
And forced them to work in his sweatshop
without paying them a wage

When the Emperor rolled down the street
To show off his new threads
He was swiftly arrested
by two undercover feds
"What’s the meaning of this!!"
The Emperor did yell
"Just for this you both shall rot
in a dungeon cell!"
Cop said "Sir, you're being arrested
for exposing yourself to a minor."
"And being in a public place
with an unkempt mangina."

More Nursery Crimes

Mary Had a Little Lamb
Who grassed her to the cops
So when she got released on bail
She made pan-fried lamb chops

Hickory dickery dock
I jizzed in a gym sock
Then I put
It on my foot
Which made me feel like a cock

Incy Wincy Spider
Climbed up the old bell tower
Pulled out a sniper rifle
And shot people for an hour
When the cops turned up
Incy Wincy didn't run
'Cos he knew that no one would believe
A spider shot the gun

Little Jack Horner was a funeral mourner
At his dear grandmother's wake
He undressed her dead body
In front of everybody
And sweet love to her corpse he did make

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
I know exactly what you are
A burning ball of hydrogen gas
With an enormous size and mass
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
I've got you sussed so ha! ha! ha!

Nursery Crimes

Three blind mice ,Three blind mice
Stole my handgun, Stole my handgun
They tried to hold up a liquor store
But got way more than they bargained for
When they stepped on the tail of the cat by the door
Three blind mice

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on Warren Buffett’s
Face, while he masturbated
But her derrière
Cut off his air
And the poor bugger suffocated

Jack’s not nimble, Jack’s not quick
Jack suffered head trauma from a donkey kick

Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater
Tried to fuck a parking meter
But just as things were getting hot
His dick got jammed in the coin slot
How did he get free from shorty?
With a little squirt of WD-40

Baa, baa, black sheep
Have you any grog
For the last time mate
I am a farm dog.
Then how come
you are in a sheep pen
Because you nosy cunt
I’m watchin’ over them

The Great Dictators

Did you know that Josef Stalin loved to dress as Judy Garland
And prance about his mansion in a frock
He’d sing the Trolley Song wearing nothing but a thong
Which strangely had no outline of a cock

President Pol Pot would like to take a shot
of morphine to help him to relax
He took so much one day while out playing croquet
that he accidentally soiled his under dacks

Benito Mussolini liked to wear a pink bikini
Then force his army generals to watch him flex
He’d say “Check me out guys” as they rolled their eyes
He’d even make them call his man-boobs pecs

Adolf Hitler was fond of his french tickler
Which he’d pop up his bum any chance he had
He’d work it with a pen though every now and then
It would get stuck up there which made him very mad

Robert Mugabe was playing with his Barbie
'cos that’s how he liked to spend his afternoons
In his Spongebob pyjamas, he'd make his dollies act out dramas
Then eat pop tarts and watch hentai cartoons

Saddam Hussein had a problem with his brain
a distinct deficiency of any smarts
He never really knew the right time to take a poo
So he’d shit his pants when ever he did farts

Kim Jong-il was a master of the skill
of performing fellatio on his own willy
And when he was in the mood for the taste of spicy food
He would sprinkle on his cock hot flakes of chilli

Muammar al-Gaddafi liked to eat grape taffy
so much so that he got hooked on it
When it clogged up his bowel everybody heard him howl
“Oh Please dear lord, let me do a shit!”

Chairman Mao Zedong tried to make his dick grow long
by tying a mini anvil to his peen
He kept it well concealed ‘till he stepped in a magnetic field
You've never heard such a high pitched scream!!


Outta my way losers! I’m better than all of yous’s
You know damn well that I am the Best
There's no one better looking so just stop all your sooking
Comparing yourself to me will just make you depressed

Not only am I hot but I have also got
A genius mind that's off the IQ chart
When Einstein hits a wall he gives me a phone call
To solve his problems 'cos I'm so very smart

I’m the toughest guy around no one stronger to be found
I once won tug-of-war against a bison
If you think you want to dance buddy, you don’t stand a chance
I’m like a cross between Bruce Lee and Mike Tyson

I am living large, just take a look in my garage
You'll see my fleet of sports cars and my two new boats
I’ve got so much goddamn money that when I go to the dunny
I wipe my arse with hundred dollar notes

No man's dick is bigger (as in longer and or thicker)
It's the only organ that can be seen from the moon
Mine makes the cock of Reggie look like a small steamed veggie
Or a caterpillar wrapped in a tiny grey cocoon

All the ladies say that they pray for the day
That I'll invite them to sleep in my bed
For it is well known that I’m an expert with my bone
Those aren't my words, That's just what they all said

There’s no one in history that is better than me
The truth’s the truth, no matter how it's sliced
So It doesn't confuse me when famous people accuse me
Of being the second coming of Jesus Christ!

Fucked Fairytales

As the prince approached the tower
there was magic in the air
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel
Throw down your golden hair!”
And as she did the prince then said
“Ah, actually….never mind.”
For the rope of hair Rapunzel dropped
was of the pubic kind!

When the three bears got home
they saw their missing food
“Who would do this to us” they roared
Who would dare intrude!”
They ran up stairs only to find
Goldilocks in their beds
Who pulled out a sawn-off shotgun
And blew off their fuckin’ heads!

Little Red Riding Hood
was skipping down the forest trail
When the Big Bad Wolf sidled up to her
waving his bushy tail
“Hey there Mr. Wolf” she said
let's fuck, whatta ya say”
“Oh, ah sorry” said the Big Bad Wolf
“I’m actually a gay!”

When the little lad named Hansel
saw the gingerbread house
He ran straight over to it
and started nibbling like a mouse
His sister Gretel joined in too
But soon all was not fine
When they noticed on the cottage wall
an asbestos hazard sign!

Jack planted the magic beans
and a massive beanstalk grew
So he started climbing up the trunk
to see where it went too
At the top he heard a loud voice say
“You must be my next client”
Then the white clouds parted to reveal
A big, fat hooker giant!

Hooray For Equality

I was in my own backyard
Gazing up at the blue sky
Just smoked a pipe of shard
So I was really fuckin’ high

Sipping a glass of red wine
Laying on a deck chair
Not wanting a tan line
I took off my underwear

Then barging through the side gate
Comes a cop with a drawn gun
“Why you naked mate!!!
Why donchu have clothes on?”

“Hey mate c'mon chill
I'm just getting a few rays
Is this a fuckin’ drill?
Didn’t think you worked Sundays”

Cop said “The neighbour next door
Telephoned the police
And complained that you're
Disturbing the peace"

"Not to get all legal
But it's now against the law
To lay around spread eagle
In your backyard in the raw"

So he took me to the station
Stuck me in a barred enclosure
And much to my frustration
Charged me with indecent exposure

When I turned up to court
I was really bloody nervous
The judge said “Okay Sport
Ninety hours community service"

They had me on the roadside
Picking up discarded litter
I almost broke down and cried
When they said there was no shitter

I had to go behind a truck
If I wanted a wee or poo
Which is embarrassing as fuck
With a guard eyeballing you

So after it was through
I went back to my old home
And poured myself a brew
With a nice head of white foam

I'm sitting on my balcony
Enjoying my pint of ale
And what the hell do I see
But a bare naked female

It was the very neighbour
Who called the cops on me
“I might just return the favour”
I said to myself with glee

So I got out my mobile
And reported the nude cunt
Then before an outback while
The Jacks were out the front

I was calmly kickin’ back
Thinking “This is gonna be grouse”
When allofasudden there's a pack
Of armed cops in my house

For accidentally observing
This woman without clothes on
I got arrested for perving
And being a peeping tom

It seems to be true these days
That if you have a dong
There are just so many ways
You can be found in the wrong!

Megan the Vegan

I'm dating this girl called Megan
Who is a full on vegan
So I only eat pork
When she’s out on her walk
But It kinda feels like I'm cheatin’

‘Cos when she gets home she can tell
She says “What's that fuckin’ smell?”
I say "Baby of course
It’s barbeque sauce"
That's when she starts to scream and yell

“I thought we weren't gonna eat
Any kind of animal meat”
I say “Baby listen to me
It's just fried tabbouleh
With a side of steamed silverbeet"

She says “Oh that’s a fuckin’ lie
How dare you try to deny
That you've been eatin' pork
I don't buy your jive talk
I thought you were a decent guy"

I say “Babe, I wasn't tryin' to front”
As I swiftly light up a thick blunt
"If you can't take a joke
At least have a toke
On this spliff and stop being a cunt"

She inhales and her eyelids fall
Then she wraps herself in her wool shawl
And says "I'm in the mood
For Italian food"
So I give the pizza shop a call

Street Fighter II

I went to the arcade to play Street Fighter II
I put in two bucks and selected Ryu
When all of a sudden I get sucked into the screen
Swirling through the votex I let out a girlish scream

Next thing I know I’m down at the docks
In a white karate gi with no shoes or socks
I hear the yelling and cheering of ladies and men
“Round One FIGHT!” Oh Shit, I’m fighting Ken!

I go “Wait a minute Ken you don't understand
But he just gave me an uppercut with his right hand
And as he did he went “SHORYUKEN!”
I fell down on the ground, wheezing and pukin’

As he kept comin’ at me I thought “Holy shit!”
I tried to hobble away so I wouldn’t get hit
But I couldn't step past the edge of the scene
I was stuck in this pixelated maritime theme

“I’m just a rude poet, I don't know martial arts
All I know how to do is write limericks about farts
And the odd verse or two about my dick
Oh Fuck! here comes a hurricane kick!”

So I duck for cover in a cowardly way
As I feel some fresh shit slide out of my bum
I realise I’ve made it to the end of round one

Hoping no one can see that I’ve done a poo
I hear that voice from before say “Round Two”
Ken Jumps over to me and gives me a left hook
That's when I start sobbing and having a sook

“This just isn’t fair! Can’t anyone see
I told you I don't fuckin’ know Karate”
But the crowd kept on cheering from their fuckin’ boat
As Ken judo chopped me in the fuckin’ throat

That's when I snapped and really got pissed
And before my very eyes crept that old red mist
I shouted “Right that’s it …..FUCK YOU KEN!”
Then I pushed both fists out and yelled “HADOKEN!!”

A blue fire ball shot out of my hands
Straight towards Ken and guess where it lands?
Yeah that’s right, It gets him bang in the gut
“If I keep doing this move I might just kick his butt”

“HADOKEN!! HADOKEN!!” I kept on sayin’
“I'm tellin' ya Ken, I ain't playin’!”
I got him at least a dozen times with that shit
Keeping him at a distance so I wouldn't get hit

As the fireballs got him they made a wicked sound
Then I notice him wobble and fall to the ground
“Woo Hoo! I just fuckin’ won round two!
Yeah that’s what you get for messin’ with Ryu!”

I was thinking to myself “My moves are so tight”
When I hear the voice say “Round Three FIGHT!”
I go “Ha ha ha, this is a piece of piss
How ya feeling there Ken? Do you remember this!”

Then I proudly yell “HADOKEN!!” again
But this time it doesn't even get Ken
He doesn't get hit, he doesn't get burnt
"Oh Jesus Christ......... , This fucker’s learnt"

"And here he comes with fast kicking feet"
There was nowhere for little old me to retreat
I tried to block, I tried to punch
As I heard my collar bone go CRUNCH!

He smashed me in the ribs and caved my chest in
Causing more shit to spew from my intestine
“Stop fighting me Ken, c’mon this is bananas
Can't you see the brown stains on my white pyjamas!!?”

But he just picked me up and threw me over his head
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh FARK ORF KEN!” I said
“I’m not even supposed to be here fighting you
All I wanted was a game of Street Fighter II”

But the blond fuckwit wouldn't listen to me
He just jumped in the air and came down with a knee
Which landed on my face Oh, the pain was crazy
Then I couldn't see properly.....

..........everything went hazy.........

When I woke up I was slumped over the arcade machine
“Holy fuckin’ shit it was all just a dream!”
I was so relieved I wasn't dead I did a little dance
As I hear a kid yell “Gross! That guy’s shit his pants!”

I like my cat

I like my cat
a great deal
He livens up my place

But if I died
his next meal
Would be my fuckin' face

He would eat
off my left cheek
Not caring that I'd carked it

Then turn 'round
and take a leak
Right on my nice carpet

So I tried
to train my cat
Instead to be my hero

But his paws
were just too fat
To dial triple zero

So I got
him a treadmill
In order to trim down

But he just
laid on it still
And gave me a sad frown

I Just hope
I do not kick
The bucket 'round my cat

'Cos I know
that little prick
Will chow me down like that

He pretends
to be my mate
He acts like he's legit

But If I
did meet my fate
I'd soon be cat shit!


There once was a girl named D’arcy
Who took her fetish so far she
Would let all the boys watch
As she soaked her own crotch
In a flagrant act of Omorashi

She trekked from Toulouse to Turin
With her own brand of euro tourin’
And wherever she’d go
The townsfolk would cry “HO!
Here comes the Queen of Urine!”

She'd stand in the village square
And call to all the people there
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
Come watch me wee!"
Then she'd wet her own underwear

And Oh, how the people did cheer
In a way that was true and sincere
N' 'cos they wanted the display
To last all day
They kept giving her free pints of beer

When a policeman heard about this
He said “Excuse me little miss
But you're not allowed
To entertain a crowd
By letting them watch you piss”

She said “Oh really is that so
No one tells me ‘No’
You think I’m beneath ya
'Cos I use my urethra
To put on a sparkling show?!”

She said “This is a load of scheißen
Now brace yourself for a surprise son”
Then she released from her cunt
A massive torrent
That blew the cop to the horizon

She yelled "Now you can stay over there for an hour!
And have a think about that golden shower!
The name's fuckin' D'arcy
And you can kiss my arsey
If reckon you can make me cower!"

"I don't care if you deem it obscene
Getting perved on while I piss is my scene!"
Then she did a little dance
In her soggy underpants
Yelling "I'm the greatest leak freak the world's seen!"