A Gigolo Story

Work had dried up a bit
And I needed to make some dough
I’m young, handsome and fit
So I figured I’d be a gigolo

I printed up some business cards
that showed a pic of me in my jocks
Then I walked past all the local front yards
and popped ‘em in every letter box

It wasn’t long before my phone was ringin’
with a lady wanting to make a booking
I told her I was a master of dick slingin’
She told me I was gorgeous looking

She said her name was Gloria
and she was aching for the touch of a man
To bring her to a state of euphoria
I said “I think I can help you m’am”

I asked her to send me a pic
So I could see roughly what she weighed
To tell you the truth she was a bit thick
But what the hell, I was getting paid

So I rode my bike to her place
with the cool wind in my hair
I had dark sunglasses on my face
And love was in the mother fuckin’ air

I dumped my bike on her front lawn
and banged on the brass door knocker
It felt like something out of a retro porn
I thought my porn name could be 'Rex Cocker'

She opened the door and there she stood
In the shadows like a jazz bar singer
I switched on the light so that I could
check her out… and yep, she was a minger

I asked her what she wanted to do
She said “Let’s go make love in bed”
I said “OK just as long as you
let me put a paper bag on your head”

She said “Yeah alright” then handed me
a glass of pinot noir
Then off we went to make whoopee
in her upstairs boudoir

She quickly dropped her silken gown
like it was a stripping race
Then she got on the bed, head upside down
As I slid the paper bag over her face

I jumped on the doona next to her
with my feet hanging over the edge
I looked at her fadge which was covered in fur
that was thicker than an English hedge

I pulled off my boots and peeled of my jeans
As she cried “Oh, do me now Rex!”
But something from deep down in my genes
was telling me not to have sex

I looked down at my flacid dick
and whispered “C’mon l’il pimp”
My dick said “I’m not fuckin' that chick"
then just hung there soft and limp

I said “C’mon buddy get hard If ya able’’
but all he did was loosely dangle
So I reached over to the bed side table
and grabbed a long, white scented candle

I spat on it to give it some lube
then rammed it up Gloria's cootch
I had one hand gripping her left boob
when in walked a big, brown pooch

She cried out “Oh yeah, just like that!”
As I quietly called the dog over
When he got to me I could clearly see
there was a pointy, pink boner on rover

I pulled the candle out and heard the hound
make a horny, canine grunt
Then he lept between her legs with a bound
and started humping his owners cunt

Gloria yelled out “Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah!”
As her dog fucked her sopping gash
Then I grabbed my shit and got outta there
And went downstairs to look for cash

I found her purse in the lounge
and I took out a few hundred bucks
Then raided her fridge but there was nothin' to scrounge
So pissed off without giving two fucks

As I rode my bike home I lit up a smoke
and drew back deep on that cig
Then I promised myself that no matter how broke
I’d never take another gigolo gig