All of my life

All of my life
I’ve wanted a wife
But all I ever do is date
As I glance down the road
Back to the girls that I’ve knowed
It seems they've all met a similar fate

There’s just been so many
Like this one girl Penny
We decided that we’d move in together
We’d write little love letters
And wear matching sweaters
We promised we’d stay true forever

We found a place out west
To make our love nest;
A cute cottage on ten acres of land
But before we’d even settled in
And our new life could begin
She drowned in a pit of quicksand

Another girl who took my fancy
Was a nerd named Nancy
She was an avid reader of old books
We would visit libraries
And feed each other cherries
While our fellow patrons gave us cringey looks

She was studying one day
Sipping cups of earl grey
And researching ancient Greek terms
It gave my blood a chilling
When I heard about the killing
She was murdered by a gang of literal book worms

Then there was Carol
Who sold womens apparel
And I was with way back in ‘08
I saw her for a while
She had such a pretty smile
Our relationship was going great

But things kinda turned sour
When she wouldn’t take a shower
She said she wanted to go ‘natural’
When I got home from work that day
On the kitchen floor she lay
She died from breathing in her own putrid smell

And how could I forget Jessie
Who I really must confessy
I hoped would be my special life partner
I didn't even care a smidgen
When she joined that weird religion
Until she told me she was gonna be a martyr

I said “My darling, Oh my gosh
They have got you brainwashed!”
As she opened her coat exposing her chest
I fell and hit the ground
As I was knocked down by the sound
Of her exploding suicide vest

And of course there was Gabby
Who was hairy, stout and flabby
We loved going on nice country drives
Once when we were fruit picking
I gave her a good dicking
Behind a stack of buzzing bee hives

She was crying to the lord above
While to her bottom I made love
When we were spotted by some woodsmen on a hunt
One yelled “I’ll save ya pal!
That wild boar can go to hell!”
Then he fired and got her smack bang in the cunt

Yes, all of my life
I’ve wanted a wife
But all they ever do is die
As I look to the future
I hope I find a sweet suitor
Who is looking for a nice humble guy