My Heritage

I can trace my family tree back
all the way to the Iron Age
His name was Garbhán Durkin
and he was a Druid sage

Or at least that was the story
he told to get out of heaving rock
‘Cos while the other men were building Stonehenge
He was givin’ the girls his mystical cock

Birtle Durkin was a Medieval man
A minstrel troubadour
Who gallivanted across the English
countryside of yore

He would pop in to every castle
To sing them songs and play the lute
Then he’d sneak some maidens to the parlour
for a middle ages, kinky root

Godric Durkin was around in the Renaissance
He was a drunk who became a painter
Because a chick he liked dug artists
and he wanted to acquaint her

He actually went to the job interview
to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling
But he could only draw a crude dick n’ balls
and the Pope didn't find that too appealing

The 1700’s gave us Fernando Durkin
He was best mates with Casanova
They travelled all around Europe
trying to get a leg over

Casanova had the suave charm
and a true romantic presence
While my ancestor just hung around with him
so he could get sloppy seconds

Decades later back in the UK
There was an Irishman named Ed
Who got sentenced to hard labour
for stealing a loaf of bread

They put that Durkin on a convict ship
bound for Botany Bay, Australia
But he jumped over board and paddled away
using his oar-some genitalia

By the time World War II came around
Bill Durkin was shitting his pants
He didn’t want to go fight the Japs
or the Nazis over in France

So he did what any brave hero would do
and wore a lady’s bra to sign-up day
Then they wouldn’t let him join the army
‘Cos back then you weren't allowed to be gay

So there's a bit about the history
of my family tree
And I’m proud to lead the Durkins
into the 21st Century

Now for those of you who hate us
You can kiss my bum
‘Cos with the amount of fuckin’ that I do
There’ll be more of us cunts to come!