Pseudo Intellectual

I am a pseudo intellectual;
The most intelligent person you’re likely to meet
All of my opinions are solidly factual
You may now kiss my educated feet

You’ll oft times find me in downtown cafes
And hip bars where you’ve never been
Pretending to write sophisticated essays
About foreign films that you've never seen

I wear big, black rimmed glasses on my face
Even though there's nothing wrong with my eyes
I carry my laptop around in a vintage case
And have a collection of snazzy bow ties

I’m well informed on the important issues of the day
And I shun the mainstream media
I consider myself smarter than you in every way
For I’ve studied in depth on Wikipedia

Get out of my knowledgeable way!
Smartest guy in the room coming through
I shall call you out for using a cliché
And correct the way you say ‘cordon bleu’

When I’m telling you about the things I know
I’ll drop quotes from Philosophy's greats
Which I memorised off to blow
The minds of my chin stroking mates

Don’t talk to me about politics philistine
I know all there is to know about that
I've been involved in activism since I was a teen
They asked me to be a foreign diplomat

Ho ho ho, what's that you said?
What a cute point of view you’ve got
There’s just so much that you still haven't read
But don't worry, at least you took a shot

If I make sure to use really long words
They’ll think I’m a genius, of this I'm certain
Just as long as none of these nosy turds
Peek behind my pseudo velvet curtain

Because if they do they'll surely see
That I have no idea what I’m saying or doing
And even though I say 'I hate the bourgeoisie'
It’s just a load of bullshit that I’m spewing

Though, with every argument that I win
I feel my social status increasing
I must keep on feeding this emptiness within
Whose intense hunger is unceasing

Yes I shall rise to the top of the intelligence ladder
To be the authority on all that is smart
Onto the naive world I shall empty my bladder
And I'll tell them all that it's postmodern art


A scholar of true distinction
Takes my arse off to school
And blows my points into extinction
Exposing me as a damn fool

Well even that won't be the end of me
And my pseudo intellectual ways
For I’ll just go down the street you see
To one of the other unknown cafes

Where I’ll find my next group of suckers
And do my routine all over again
You’ll never stop me mother fuckers
For I'm an intellectual King amongst men!