Saturday Night Farce

Sitting on the sofa after a night on the town
We gaze deep in each others eyes listening to Jackson Browne
We clink our flutes together as we finish the last drops
Then move into the bedroom where we both take of our tops

You slowly turn the dimmer switch to make a sexy mood
And slip out of your mini skirt so you are in the nude
I'm pulling down my black jeans on the side of our queen bed
When I accidentally fall right off and land flat on my head

Blood is gushing down my face you scream out “Oh my God!”
You rush to get the first aid kit and let in our pet dog
He jumps up onto the bed and starts to roll around
Then grabs the pillows in his mouth and chucks them on the ground

I yell at him “No, bad dog! get out of here I say!”
But he doesn’t listen and just barks back “No way!”
I’ve lost lots of blood now on the red carpet I roll
As you barge back in the room holding a toilet roll

You say “I couldn’t find the kit so this will have to do”
I scream back “Please not TP I don't want to smell like poo!”
You wrap the roll around my cut but it doesn't help at all
That is when the cat walks by and looks in from the hall

He sees the dog chewing the bed and us naked on the floor
He shakes his head in disgust and then walks right by the door
The dog sees the cat leaving and decides to give chase
The cat lets out a loud screech and they run around the place

They bound into the kitchen we hear an almighty crash
They bang into the rubbish bin covering the place with trash
I try stand on my two feet because I am a man
But I've lost so much blood I fall back down with a slam

The dog’s barking. The cats hissing. I’m in a real bad way
While Jackson Browne slowly sings “Oh, won’t you stay”
Our next door neighbours bang the wall “Shut the fuck up!” they yell
You scream back “Ah, go fuck yourself you cunts can go to hell!”

I crawl into the ensuite shrouded in bog roll and blood
I turn the tap but it falls off and out flows a huge flood
Water's surging through the house and rising up the walls
Our second story balcony looks like Niagara falls

I swallow so much water it causes my gut to bloat
I see the cat and dog float by in a saucepan boat
You get picked up by a wave and swim against it hard
But it drags you through the house and dumps you in the backyard

Red and blue flashing lights someone called the cops
They come running up footpath carrying a pair of mops
They smash in the front windows causing torrents to cascade
As they scramble in one of them yells “This is a police raid”

The neighbours must have told them that we have a lot of drugs
So I quickly get my phone out and call up the local thugs
You stand up in the backyard So glad you are still alive
You jump up in the air and give yourself a big high five

You raise your head up to the sky The Lord above you thank
You hear a rumbling from below and up pops the septic tank
It bobs out of the brown water just like a submarine
Turds start floating everywhere “Damn you lord!” you scream

The cat and dog are in pantry helping themselves to our food
One cop sees me naked and shouts “Why are you in the nude?”
I say "It is my own house I will do what I want cunt"
As the carload of gangsters pulls up out the front

They come up the porch steps looking as tough as can be
They kick in the door, walk right in and start calling out for me
“I’m in the first bedroom guys the cops are here!" I shout
So the gangsters march up to the door and start a big shootout

One of the gangsters gets a bullet in his do-ragged head
Rounds are flying everywhere 'til they're all lying dead
I fit them in black garbage bags by cutting off their limbs
Then drag them out n' shove 'em in the neighbours wheelie bins

You slosh back into the house wearing a silk bed sheet
As bits of crap float down the hall and out onto the street
We hold each other close and kiss and switch off both our phones
You take my laptop to the car where you watch Game of Thrones

And as you view I write this thing called 'Saturday Night Farce'
While the cat and dog sit on the roof smoking Cuban cigars!