Sneaky Beta Male

I’m a sneaky beta male
Do you like how nice I am?
My body's slim and frail
and I have small hands for a man

I haven’t ever been laid yet
But I won't give up on trying
I think that my best bet
is to attract females by lying

I make friends with the girls I know
hoping something will just happen
I take them out and lend them dough
but I always end up fappin’

My mum bangs on the basement door
and yells “What's that squelching noise!?
“Oh nothing mum, just the squeaky floor!”
She thinks “Well s'pose boys will be boys”

You’ll find me sitting in quaint cafes
Listening to my bestie have a sook
About some guy who hasn’t called in days
and doesn't care about her new book

But I’m just pretending to empathise
In reality I couldn't care less
While I wipe the tears away from her eyes
I picture her in a state of undress

“There, there” I coo gently in her ear
“I’d never treat a girl like that”
Then I proceed to recite some Shakespeare
and reassure her she doesn't look fat

I attend marches for women’s rights
and profess to be an ally
In my pink pussy hat and matching tights
What a clever little soy-boy am I

‘Cos I use this ploy to get their trust
and convince them I’m a nice guy
But on the inside I’m burning hot with lust
so bad it makes me moan and cry

When they ask me “Hey, what's wrong?"
I get down and take a knee
Then break out in a beautiful song
‘bout how special women are to me

They say “Aww, that’s such a sweet
little tune that you have penned
You're just the type of guy I’d like to meet
But I’ve already got a boyfriend"

That’s what they always say to me
whenever I try to mingle
But the very next day online I see
Their Facebook status says single!

It is no fault of my own
that I lack testosterone
So it's not fair that I get thrown
Deep down in the fuckin' friend zone

I can't ever tell if I have a chance
I’m not good at making those calls
All I want to do is get in a girls pants
but I just can't find the balls

To tell them how I really feel
How I want to tap that tail
So instead I’ll pay for their vegan meal
‘Cos I’m a sneaky beta male