Street Fighter II

I went to the arcade to play Street Fighter II
I put in two bucks and selected Ryu
When all of a sudden I get sucked into the screen
Swirling through the votex I let out a girlish scream

Next thing I know I’m down at the docks
In a white karate gi with no shoes or socks
I hear the yelling and cheering of ladies and men
“Round One FIGHT!” Oh Shit, I’m fighting Ken!

I go “Wait a minute Ken you don't understand
But he just gave me an uppercut with his right hand
And as he did he went “SHORYUKEN!”
I fell down on the ground, wheezing and pukin’

As he kept comin’ at me I thought “Holy shit!”
I tried to hobble away so I wouldn’t get hit
But I couldn't step past the edge of the scene
I was stuck in this pixelated maritime theme

“I’m just a rude poet, I don't know martial arts
All I know how to do is write limericks about farts
And the odd verse or two about my dick
Oh Fuck! here comes a hurricane kick!”

“TATSUMAKI SENPUU KYAKU!” I hear Ken say
So I duck for cover in a cowardly way
As I feel some fresh shit slide out of my bum
I realise I’ve made it to the end of round one

Hoping no one can see that I’ve done a poo
I hear that voice from before say “Round Two”
Ken Jumps over to me and gives me a left hook
That's when I start sobbing and having a sook

“This just isn’t fair! Can’t anyone see
I told you I don't fuckin’ know Karate”
But the crowd kept on cheering from their fuckin’ boat
As Ken judo chopped me in the fuckin’ throat

That's when I snapped and really got pissed
And before my very eyes crept that old red mist
I shouted “Right that’s it …..FUCK YOU KEN!”
Then I pushed both fists out and yelled “HADOKEN!!”

A blue fire ball shot out of my hands
Straight towards Ken and guess where it lands?
Yeah that’s right, It gets him bang in the gut
“If I keep doing this move I might just kick his butt”

“HADOKEN!! HADOKEN!!” I kept on sayin’
“I'm tellin' ya Ken, I ain't playin’!”
I got him at least a dozen times with that shit
Keeping him at a distance so I wouldn't get hit

As the fireballs got him they made a wicked sound
Then I notice him wobble and fall to the ground
“Woo Hoo! I just fuckin’ won round two!
Yeah that’s what you get for messin’ with Ryu!”

I was thinking to myself “My moves are so tight”
When I hear the voice say “Round Three FIGHT!”
I go “Ha ha ha, this is a piece of piss
How ya feeling there Ken? Do you remember this!”

Then I proudly yell “HADOKEN!!” again
But this time it doesn't even get Ken
He doesn't get hit, he doesn't get burnt
"Oh Jesus Christ......... , This fucker’s learnt"

"And here he comes with fast kicking feet"
There was nowhere for little old me to retreat
I tried to block, I tried to punch
As I heard my collar bone go CRUNCH!

He smashed me in the ribs and caved my chest in
Causing more shit to spew from my intestine
“Stop fighting me Ken, c’mon this is bananas
Can't you see the brown stains on my white pyjamas!!?”

But he just picked me up and threw me over his head
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh FARK ORF KEN!” I said
“I’m not even supposed to be here fighting you
All I wanted was a game of Street Fighter II”

But the blond fuckwit wouldn't listen to me
He just jumped in the air and came down with a knee
Which landed on my face Oh, the pain was crazy
Then I couldn't see properly.....

..........everything went hazy.........


When I woke up I was slumped over the arcade machine
“Holy fuckin’ shit it was all just a dream!”
I was so relieved I wasn't dead I did a little dance
As I hear a kid yell “Gross! That guy’s shit his pants!”