The Time Machine of Sex

A sexual fantasy of mine
and this may sound a little complex
But I want to go back in time
in my Time Machine of Sex

I’d fly it through a wormhole
back to before our lives
With the one noble goal
of shagging famous dudes wives

First I’d go back to the year
of 1954
And slip in Joe DiMaggio's clear
master bedroom door

Where Marilyn Monroe is sleeping
naked in her bed
So in I go a-creeping
and tap her on the head

Then she wakes up glamorously
with her hair in a tight, blonde curl
And moans out oh so amorously
as she rides me backwards cowgirl

After I’m done I leave her there
with her anus hurtin’
But before I leave the bedroom, yeah
I wipe my cock off on the curtain

Then I hop back in my time machine
and to the Thirties I ride
To stick my johnson in between
the notorious Bonnie and Clyde

I hide behind an apple tree
and watch them from afar
Chuckling to myself with glee
as Clyde steps out of their car

Then as he goes into the bank
with his tommy gun
I run over to his skank
and propose a bit of fun

Bonnie lets me in their Chevy
for an impromptu meet-n-greet
(meaning we get hot n’ heavy
naked on the back seat)

I spray my cum all over her face
just as Clyde comes running out
And high tail it outta the place
“You dirty rat!!” I hear him shout

He fires a flurry of rounds at me
but he ain't got Buckly's chance
'Cos I piss off as quick as can be
to 19th Century France

Where I park on top of the Palace
the home of 'Ol Napoleon
I already have another stiff phallus
So It’s time to get it on

I shimmy my time-travelling arse
across the roof to a big window
I see Josephine so I tap on the glass
and whisper “Hey, let me in yo”

She opens it up and I jump in
then she kisses me on the cheek
Before long I've got my balls on her chin
and she's gagging like a freak

But we’re interrupted by a Frenchman's cry
“Where are you my little flower?”
“Oh shit” says Josephine with cum in her eye
“He wasn’t s'posed to be back for an hour”

So I go into a barrel roll
and hide under their big bed
And pray from the depths of my soul
he can't tell his wife's been givin’ head

So in walks the Emperor of France
in his knee length underwear
And I'm under the mattress shittin' my pants
hoping he doesn't suss that I'm there

Then Napoleon french kisses Josephine
and I lay there worried sick
When I hear him say “Why my queen
does your breath smell like dick?!!”

That's when I get up off the floor
and start running for my life
As I’m bolting out their bedroom door
he yells “How dare you fuck my wife!!”

Chased by the guards, I run like hell
‘til I reach my time machine
I jump in and as I’m flying off I yell
“Thanks for the blow job Josephine!”

I set the time dial to 1533
and the place to London town
Where I hide the machine in a dark alley
just a couple of blocks down

From the giant stone castle home
of King Henry the Eighth
Then I don a brown robe to hide my bone
and to look like a man of faith

I rock up to the iron gates
and give the guards the sign of the cross
Then say “How's it goin’ tonight mates,
Just here to see the boss”

So they let me in without carding me
and in five minutes flat
I’ve pinched Anne Boleyn’s bedroom key
like a crafty little rat

I sneak through a secret passageway
up to a turret tower
Go in her room and pretend to pray
while she's in the ensuite shower

I hear the taps turn off in there
then she walks out in the nude
And catches me in my holy ware
helping myself to her food

I go “Oh, hi Anne, don't worry 'bout me
I’m just a Church of England friar
But inside I'm thinkin’ “He he he”
'cos she cant tell that I'm being a liar

"I'm so ashamed" she says bowing her head
and trying to cover up her bod
I go "Never mind that just jump in bed
trust me baby, I’m a man of god"

So Anne Boleyn slips between the sheets
and I'm eating her pussy out
I've got one hand up there caressing her teats
When I hear Henry the Eighth shout

“Where the fuck is that monk?!!
he better not be up here!!"
As I’m shooting my hot load of spunk
On Anne Boleyn's flabby rear

Like a crazy bull the king bursts in
to catch me naked in bed with his missus
There is no way that I can deny a thing
'cos I'm covered in red lipstick kisses

Henry the Eighth runs over to the bed
and grabs me around the neck
Then punches me upside the head
that's when I hit the deck

I've got the bastard on me, I can't breathe
his lard arse must weigh a ton
But somehow I squeeze out from underneath
and off I fuckin’ run

I bolt back down the tower stairs
just like a scared house cat
But after me Henry the Eighth tears
moving fast for guy that fat

“You will hang for this, you’ll see!!”
I hear the king's voice boom
As he rolls down the stairs right after me
like the boulder in ‘Temple of Doom’

I fall out of an arrow slit
down into the moat
I hear Henry yell “You little Shit!!”
as I climb into a wooden boat

I paddle away fast and good
‘til I find myself in a stream
That conveniently takes me back to the hood
where I left my sexy time machine

As I fly through the sky past the castle
I give the angry king a Toot!-Toot!
And yell “Hope I wasn’t too much of a hassle
and by the way Anne’s a great root!”

As I stroke the whiskers of my beard
I set the dial for the present days
Then in a zap I disappear
into a swirling blue haze

When I get back to the current year
In my post-history sex glory
I head straight down the pub for a nice cold beer
and to tell my mates my epic story!