Thirteen Old Bastards

There was an old bastard named Barney
Who volunteered at the salvation army
He'd lure ladies of the street
Into his truck with ‘hot meat’
Where he’d proceed to feed them his salami


There was an old bastard named Hector
Who got himself a metal detector
He found a silver butt plug
Shoved it in firm and snug
And cried “Aren't I a clever prospector!”


There was an old bastard named Howard
Public nudity made him feel empowered
He’d take off all his clothes
And ‘neith the town fire hose
He'd make people watch him as he showered


There was an old bastard named Floyd
Who injected his dick with a steroid
He was the size of a sparrow
But now he needs a wheelbarrow
His old missus is not overjoyed


There was an old bastard named Eugene
Whose favorite type of cuisine
Was not whey or curds
But the little brown turds
That one finds underneath the latrine


There was an old bastard named Gus
Who everyone thought was a bit suss
He was finally arrested
For all the kids he molested
In the back of his yellow school bus


There was an old bastard named Leonard
The presidential race he'd entered
But when they found out that he
Was a neo nazi
The townsfolk had him tarred and feathered


There was an old bastard named Humphrey
Who wanted to make his pad comfy
So he purchased a cute
Live-in prostitute
From a third-world African country


There was an old bastard named Norman
Who was a follower of the Book of Mormon
But his wife had a stroke
When she found her bloke
In bed with a hairy longshoreman


There was an old bastard named Ralph
Who’d like to pleasure himself
He’d lube up his horn
But he wouldn't watch porn
NO! he’d beat off to re-runs of ALF!


There was an old bastard named Roger
Who was a bullshitting old codger
He’d say he led his men through
Normandy in World War II
But really he was a smart arse draught dodger


There was an old bastard named Arthur
Some young pussy is what he was after
He paid six pieces of gold
To an eighteen year old
To say “Ooo fuck me harder grandfather!’’


There was an old bastard named Sidney
Who passed out in Kings Cross Sydney
He woke in a bathtub
Out the back of a pub
Where some cunt had stolen his kidney