I once had constipation
on a seriously massive scale
‘Twas a cause of much frustration
Gather 'round n' I'll tell you the tale
I think it was last Autumn
Around April or was it May
That I had a problem in my bottom
I wasn't in a very good way
I was banked up for an odd mile
with compacted, solid poo
I hadn't suffered a blockage for while
So I had to remember what to do
I drank a mug of prune juice
to get my bowels a-flowin’
But it didn't help me take a deuce
and the problem kept on goin’
My guts inside felt dense
like a pound of hardened toffee
So to flush out their contents
I drank a strong cup of coffee
An hour later there still was
an internal, large, firm lump
Which concerned me deeply 'cos
I still hadn’t taken a dump
'Twas a case of a stubborn arse;
My colon was in refusal
So I mixed myself a large pint glass
of powdered Metamucil
And guzzled it down in one
then back and forth I walked
'Tis the opposite of good fun
feeling this badly corked
But still there was no movement
just a totally concrete state
Not one bit of improvement
I thought "Was it something that I ate?"
Now, I'd been clogged up before
but nothing quite like this
So I hobbled my way to the store
That they call the pharmacist
My turd-baby was way overdue
Yet my butt wouldn't go into labour
The girl said “Can I help you?”
I said “Laxatives! Chocolate Flavour!”
She said “Okay here you go
now take one when you get home”
I said “Yeah what would you know!
You authoritarian drone!”
I opened the pack and ate the lot
then chucked her a handful of money
She looked at me weird, I said “What?”
Then limped back home to the dunny
When I got in, I sat on the can
where I patiently waited……...
Three hours later I yelled “C’MON MAN!!!!”
'cos my arse hadn't evacuated
That's when my girlfriend came home
and said “Rex what's with all the yelling?”
I said “ I've got anal-impaction syndrome”
She said “ Are you just story telling?”
I said “No, I'm seriously in pain
I’ve been bunged up something chronic
There's a traffic jam down the back lane"
She said “Oh, .......How ironic”
I said “There’s nothing ironic about it!
I need to make the train leave the tunnel”
She said “Okay there's no need to shout it"
I said “Go to the shed and get my red funnel”
By the time she got back with it in her hand
My cramps were aching most heinous
I said “Right, Now on my command
Stick the nozzle end up my anus"
She said "Are you fuckin' serious? ,Really?
You should probably see your G.P"
"I am not able to see a doctor clearly
Now please, listen very carefully"
"Trust me, I know what I am doing
I learnt this in Grade 4 science class
It's the only way to get me pooing
Now, I need you to stick the nozzle up my arse"
She said "Oh my god, NO!
I've just got back from the office"
I said "Look, Just when I tell you 'GO'
Insert the nozzle in my rear orifice"
She said "Oh Okay!, fuckin' hell!
I'll do it but I just don't know"
I said "Listen, there's no need to yell
Just slide it in when I say 'Go'"
So crouching down on all fours
I said “One, two, three Go”
Then she jammed it straight in with force
As I instinctively cried out “NOOOOOOO!”
So there I was on the bathroom floor
with the plastic funnel sticking in the air
I said “Okay, now go to the pantry door
You'll find a bottle of vinegar in there"
“Then after that also make sure
to grab the box of baking soda”
(I looked in the mirror and saw
That my face was as green as Yoda)
So, I’m laying on the cold tiles
from the waist down, in the buff
She comes back in and smiles
And says “Do ya think this’ll be enough?”
I said “Yeah, but what’s with the grin?"
She said “You just look kind of funny”
I go “How 'bout some bloody compassion!”
She said “Aww, You want me to call your mummy?”
“NO! Now listen!” I said with a frown
“Pour the vinegar down the flue”
So she poured the whole bottle down
and the box of baking soda too
Then Instantly there was a fizzy explosion
It was a liquid, brown ass-volcano
It came in waves like a disgusting ocean
She blocked her nose n’ yelled “Ohh, Hell No!”
It shot up like Old Faithful
from Yellowstone National Park
When it splashed back down I got a face full
I yelled “Ah grose! No, Oh Faark!”
There was shit dripping from the ceiling
which looked and smelt horribly foul
But I was filled with a sweet relieved feeling
As I wiped my face on her pink towel
“That was the nastiest thing I've ever seen”
she said throwing me a bucket and mop
“And Rex, I swear this better be sparkling clean
By the time I get back from the shop!”
I once had constipation