Limericks are jolly good fun
Like shooting bottles with your gun
They won't get you paid
But they might get you laid
With a waitress, school teacher or nun!

So give the little bastards a shot
Write 'em with punch, crunch n' grot
Do about thirty
Be sure to make 'em dirty
Then shove 'em straight up your twat!

Dorothy and Donna

There once was a young lady called Dorothy
She was the biggest slut in the sorority
She’d often let a man
Pop his peen in her can
And straight after she'd suck him off orally

Her favourite room mate was Donna
Who'd do whatever she’d wanna
Once she gave the boys a show
With her juicy camel toe
Then let ‘em gang-bang her in the sauna

When Dorothy found out about this
She let out a horrid, foul hiss
As the envy rushed to her head
She stood up on Donna’s bed
And showered her mattress with piss

When Donna got back later that night
She saw her bed was a wet, yellow sight
She screamed “You jealous whore!”
Then kicked in Dorothies door
And the two girls had themselves a cat fight

Donna screamed and pulled Dorothy's hair
So Dorothy picked up a black folding chair
Lifted it over her head
And yelled “Bitch you are dead!
Welcome to your worst nightmare!"

But before Dorothy could do anything with it
Donna jumped up and bit her on the tit
Then somehow the two hos
Ripped off each other clothes
And that's when the fan got hit by the shit

They were rolling around in a naked way
It was a rude, savage, nasty display
Donna got punched in the bush
Dorothy got munched on the tush
Then in walked the janitor named Ray

Who instantly cracked a massive bone
Then pulled out his silver smart phone
As he started live streaming
He could feel his cock creaming
'Til his whole load had totally blown

Now Ray was no ignoramus
He knew this vid would make him famous
And when it started going viral
In a sexy upwards spiral
The excitement made him clench his brown anus

The Highland Pimp

There once was a Highland pimp
Who used to ride around in a blimp
His dick was so long
It made him balance wrong
So he walked with a pronounced limp

He would float from town to town
Making a yodelling sound
Then he’d strap a parachute
To a dirty prostitute
And drop her right down to the ground

When the men saw the hooker falling
They would start with the cat calling
They’d yell “Yo sexy lady!”
And “You wanna be my baby!”
Which she found rude and appalling

Then she’d land on a soft haystack
Where they’d proceed to ride her arse crack
And one by one
They’d fill her with cum
'Til they all had an empty ball sack

But one day they thought 'twould be funny
To run off without paying any money
So after they’d all had a go
They yelled “Thanks ya dumb ho!”
Then off over yonder they did runny

But the pimp had street smarts in spades
From doing one of the world's oldest trades
So he flew after the men
Firing at them
With hollow bullets filled with AIDS

As he was shooting at one guy who didn't pay
A round hit a rock and ricocheted
Back up to the pimp
And popped a hole in his blimp
Which exploded in a most spectacular way

And as the flames rained down from above
The hooker realised the pimp was her true love
And this might make you wince
But just like in that song by Prince
She made a sound like a crying dove

Harold Holt

I’m slowly turning the great steel bolt
On the National archive vault
To tell you ‘bout a mystery
From Australia's dark history
The tale of ‘Ol Harold Holt

He was Prime Minister seventeen
Who went swimming then was never seen
Some people say
It was the CIA
Or perhaps a Chinese submarine

He knew that beach like the back of his hand
That's why no one could understand
How their Prime Minister
Could meet a fate so sinister
To them the whole thing seemed planned

The story that the press spread around
Was that the leader of the country had drowned
But how could they say
What happened that day
For his body was never found

Now you might think that it's a bit grim
For us to make light of his last swim
But us Aussies are sardonic
So in black humour most ironic
We named a public pool after him

And if you pass by that pool at night
When the still Melbourne air is just right
You might hear from inside
His ghost on the water slide
Moaning ‘neath the pale moonlight

The Sexbots are Coming!

The sexbots are on their way
They will be here any day
Ladies, you will soon be obsolete.
'Cos they have been designed
With the adult male in mind
From their pretty heads to their little feet.

I mean, when they first come out
There will be some bugs no doubt
But these will be weeded in due course.
Then they'll look and behave real
In every way a man’s ideal
And they'll never file for divorce.

They will do just as they're told,
Never get hagged or old
And always be in pleasant mood.
They'll never try to wreck our fun
Or want us to visit their mum
Their life passion will be to make our favourite food.

They’ll never bitch or whine or nag
Or waste cash on a handbag
And they won't care what their stupid girlfriends think.
They won't ever have a sook
If at hot chicks arses we look
Or care when we leave dirty plates in the sink.

They’ll never argue or complain
Or clog up the shower drain
With a giant, nasty clump of their long hair.
They’ll never start a silly fight
If their man's out drinking all night
In fact, they will not even care.

They'll think their man's the coolest bloke,
Laugh at his every witty joke
And never tell him that he eats too much red meat.
They'll never act like they're the boss
Or get moany, mad, or cross
When their hard working man leaves up the toilet seat.

But in between the sheets
Is where the road and rubber meets
'Cos the sexbots will be tailored to each guy.
They’ll never act like a cold fish,
Will take all that we can dish
And never bruise or bleed or sue or die.

They will speak in sexy voices
And not make gross fart noises
When a dick gets driven up their snatch.
They’ll beg their man for his hot cum
And when he lays it on her tongue
She will swallow it when she’s told “Down the hatch”.

They’ll do a threesome or a foursome
Which men will think is awesome
No more pretending to not want other chicks.
We’ll just lay right back in bed
Fluffy pillow 'neath our head
While they cover our balls with little lady licks.

They’ll encourage their big man
To get as many girls as he can
A variety of other models; A myriad.
Another cool thing 'bout sexbots
Is they never act like thots
Nor are they ever on their period.

The sexbots are on their way
They will be here any day
Ladies, I hope you don't feel too frustrated.
'Cos you know they've been designed
With the adult male in mind
Meaning your arses will soon be antiquated!

No pro fanny tease

(No profanities)

There once was a rude limerick
Who wanted to take the mick
So just like Duchamp
He entered the comp
As if to say “Suck my fat ..........

Dick liked to fish, trap and hunt
On the ponies he enjoyed a punt
But there was nothing more
That he did adore
Than the feeling of a warm, wet........

Country music rarely has brass
But you’ll hear fiddle and guitars
If you feel root’n toot’n
Then go out boot scootin’
Just watch ya don't get kicked in the…....

Arsonists in the cockpit
Were not able to outwit
The air marshal in a dress
Disguised as an air hostess
Now they're in a whole world of.........

Shiitake shrooms with lemon duck
Some feathers they forgot to pluck
On my chair I fell back
As it went “QUACK! QUACK!!”
"It’s still alive! What the .............

Focaccia's a flat Italian bread
I bake my own in my back shed
I just simply love it
And eat so much of it
I guess you could call me a foc head!

Saturday Night Farce

Sitting on the sofa after a night on the town
We gaze deep in each others eyes listening to Jackson Browne
We clink our flutes together as we finish the last drops
Then move into the bedroom where we both take of our tops

You slowly turn the dimmer switch to make a sexy mood
And slip out of your mini skirt so you are in the nude
I'm pulling down my black jeans on the side of our queen bed
When I accidentally fall right off and land flat on my head

Blood is gushing down my face you scream out “Oh my God!”
You rush to get the first aid kit and let in our pet dog
He jumps up onto the bed and starts to roll around
Then grabs the pillows in his mouth and chucks them on the ground

I yell at him “No, bad dog! get out of here I say!”
But he doesn’t listen and just barks back “No way!”
I’ve lost lots of blood now on the red carpet I roll
As you barge back in the room holding a toilet roll

You say “I couldn’t find the kit so this will have to do”
I scream back “Please not TP I don't want to smell like poo!”
You wrap the roll around my cut but it doesn't help at all
That is when the cat walks by and looks in from the hall

He sees the dog chewing the bed and us naked on the floor
He shakes his head in disgust and then walks right by the door
The dog sees the cat leaving and decides to give chase
The cat lets out a loud screech and they run around the place

They bound into the kitchen we hear an almighty crash
They bang into the rubbish bin covering the place with trash
I try stand on my two feet because I am a man
But I've lost so much blood I fall back down with a slam

The dog’s barking. The cats hissing. I’m in a real bad way
While Jackson Browne slowly sings “Oh, won’t you stay”
Our next door neighbours bang the wall “Shut the fuck up!” they yell
You scream back “Ah, go fuck yourself you cunts can go to hell!”

I crawl into the ensuite shrouded in bog roll and blood
I turn the tap but it falls off and out flows a huge flood
Water's surging through the house and rising up the walls
Our second story balcony looks like Niagara falls

I swallow so much water it causes my gut to bloat
I see the cat and dog float by in a saucepan boat
You get picked up by a wave and swim against it hard
But it drags you through the house and dumps you in the backyard

Red and blue flashing lights someone called the cops
They come running up footpath carrying a pair of mops
They smash in the front windows causing torrents to cascade
As they scramble in one of them yells “This is a police raid”

The neighbours must have told them that we have a lot of drugs
So I quickly get my phone out and call up the local thugs
You stand up in the backyard So glad you are still alive
You jump up in the air and give yourself a big high five

You raise your head up to the sky The Lord above you thank
You hear a rumbling from below and up pops the septic tank
It bobs out of the brown water just like a submarine
Turds start floating everywhere “Damn you lord!” you scream

The cat and dog are in pantry helping themselves to our food
One cop sees me naked and shouts “Why are you in the nude?”
I say "It is my own house I will do what I want cunt"
As the carload of gangsters pulls up out the front

They come up the porch steps looking as tough as can be
They kick in the door, walk right in and start calling out for me
“I’m in the first bedroom guys the cops are here!" I shout
So the gangsters march up to the door and start a big shootout

One of the gangsters gets a bullet in his do-ragged head
Rounds are flying everywhere 'til they're all lying dead
I fit them in black garbage bags by cutting off their limbs
Then drag them out n' shove 'em in the neighbours wheelie bins

You slosh back into the house wearing a silk bed sheet
As bits of crap float down the hall and out onto the street
We hold each other close and kiss and switch off both our phones
You take my laptop to the car where you watch Game of Thrones

And as you view I write this thing called 'Saturday Night Farce'
While the cat and dog sit on the roof smoking Cuban cigars!

Sneaky Beta Male

I’m a sneaky beta male
Do you like how nice I am?
My body's slim and frail
and I have small hands for a man

I haven’t ever been laid yet
But I won't give up on trying
I think that my best bet
is to attract females by lying

I make friends with the girls I know
hoping something will just happen
I take them out and lend them dough
but I always end up fappin’

My mum bangs on the basement door
and yells “What's that squelching noise!?
“Oh nothing mum, just the squeaky floor!”
She thinks “Well s'pose boys will be boys”

You’ll find me sitting in quaint cafes
Listening to my bestie have a sook
About some guy who hasn’t called in days
and doesn't care about her new book

But I’m just pretending to empathise
In reality I couldn't care less
While I wipe the tears away from her eyes
I picture her in a state of undress

“There, there” I coo gently in her ear
“I’d never treat a girl like that”
Then I proceed to recite some Shakespeare
and reassure her she doesn't look fat

I attend marches for women’s rights
and profess to be an ally
In my pink pussy hat and matching tights
What a clever little soy-boy am I

‘Cos I use this ploy to get their trust
and convince them I’m a nice guy
But on the inside I’m burning hot with lust
so bad it makes me moan and cry

When they ask me “Hey, what's wrong?"
I get down and take a knee
Then break out in a beautiful song
‘bout how special women are to me

They say “Aww, that’s such a sweet
little tune that you have penned
You're just the type of guy I’d like to meet
But I’ve already got a boyfriend"

That’s what they always say to me
whenever I try to mingle
But the very next day online I see
Their Facebook status says single!

It is no fault of my own
that I lack testosterone
So it's not fair that I get thrown
Deep down in the fuckin' friend zone

I can't ever tell if I have a chance
I’m not good at making those calls
All I want to do is get in a girls pants
but I just can't find the balls

To tell them how I really feel
How I want to tap that tail
So instead I’ll pay for their vegan meal
‘Cos I’m a sneaky beta male

Our first time on the Beach

The foul smell of the seaweed makes me dry reach
Stupidly, I plonk myself down on the littered sand
I yelp as a used syringe jabs my hand
The couple in front of us are giving me the shits
You’re paranoid that I’m looking at the lady's tits
You stomp off mad down to the packed sea
Everyone can tell that you're angry with me

I dunno 'bout this water I’m just not sold
I’m such a pussy when it comes to the cold
You put your hand down my shorts with your head on a swivel
I say 'It's usually bigger, the temp made it shrivel"
To my surprise you splash salt water in my eyes
When I open them you're flirting with some other guys
They’re tanned and chiseled and in great shape
Compared to them I look like a pale, shaved ape
I wade over to you and they can tell I’m pissed
As I grab you firmly around the wrist
You pull away and head off toward the dunes
A fuck wit with an iPod blasts techno tunes

The dark seeps in and all the people piss off
I think I've caught a cold 'cos now I have a cough
You pull out a box of Sunnyvale goon
We drink it from the nozzle in the light of the moon
As the wine buzz sets in you don't hate me anymore
Being in your presence is no longer such a chore
Clumsily you rip my board shorts down
And with your hair tied back on me you go to town
I enjoy the sensation ‘till you bite down and grunt
Because you accidently got some sand in your cunt
In a frustrated huff you take off your bathers
As we’re encroached upon by space invaders

Fuckin’ mozzies everywhere wouldn't you know
Biting me from drunken head to hang nailed toe
They don't go for you , they only go for me
You tell me to suffer and laugh “he he he”
I give up on the day. I’ve had a e-bloody-nough
Until I see you laying there on the sand in the buff
I roll onto your body. You spread your legs wide
But as I’m nutting we get hit by a fuckin’ king tide

All of my life

All of my life
I’ve wanted a wife
But all I ever do is date
As I glance down the road
Back to the girls that I’ve knowed
It seems they've all met a similar fate

There’s just been so many
Like this one girl Penny
We decided that we’d move in together
We’d write little love letters
And wear matching sweaters
We promised we’d stay true forever

We found a place out west
To make our love nest;
A cute cottage on ten acres of land
But before we’d even settled in
And our new life could begin
She drowned in a pit of quicksand

Another girl who took my fancy
Was a nerd named Nancy
She was an avid reader of old books
We would visit libraries
And feed each other cherries
While our fellow patrons gave us cringey looks

She was studying one day
Sipping cups of earl grey
And researching ancient Greek terms
It gave my blood a chilling
When I heard about the killing
She was murdered by a gang of literal book worms

Then there was Carol
Who sold womens apparel
And I was with way back in ‘08
I saw her for a while
She had such a pretty smile
Our relationship was going great

But things kinda turned sour
When she wouldn’t take a shower
She said she wanted to go ‘natural’
When I got home from work that day
On the kitchen floor she lay
She died from breathing in her own putrid smell

And how could I forget Jessie
Who I really must confessy
I hoped would be my special life partner
I didn't even care a smidgen
When she joined that weird religion
Until she told me she was gonna be a martyr

I said “My darling, Oh my gosh
They have got you brainwashed!”
As she opened her coat exposing her chest
I fell and hit the ground
As I was knocked down by the sound
Of her exploding suicide vest

And of course there was Gabby
Who was hairy, stout and flabby
We loved going on nice country drives
Once when we were fruit picking
I gave her a good dicking
Behind a stack of buzzing bee hives

She was crying to the lord above
While to her bottom I made love
When we were spotted by some woodsmen on a hunt
One yelled “I’ll save ya pal!
That wild boar can go to hell!”
Then he fired and got her smack bang in the cunt

Yes, all of my life
I’ve wanted a wife
But all they ever do is die
As I look to the future
I hope I find a sweet suitor
Who is looking for a nice humble guy

Miss Jewel

I was with some older women
during my teenage years
If you want to hear about one
then do lend me your ears

Back when I was in high school
there was this hot maths teacher
Her name was Miss Jewel
she was a sexy creature

She wore these tight, white shirts
that you could see her black bra though,
Really short mini skirts
and a six inch high heel shoe

This one time in the classroom
we were working on a silent exercise
I looked over at her and “BOOM!”
She was staring me in the eyes

She licked her pouted mouth
like she was a dancer of burlesque
My male gaze swept down south
to her hands under her desk

My mind was doing back flips
I had to loosen my striped tie
As I watched her rub her fingertips
up and down her inner thigh

“Ding-Ding-Ding” the school bell chimed
She said “Okay class dismissed...
except Rex, can you please stay behind?”
“Okay Miss” I said “If you insist”

The other boys left laughing at me
‘cos I had to stay back after class
But what I saw that day, they didn’t see
So they could all kiss my arse

Once they’d gone she locked the door
and they pissed off down the hall
Then she moaned out like an aching whore
and pushed herself up against the wall

Bending at the waist her skirt bust a seam
showing off her round, ripe booty
My teenage dick was letting off steam
like a red-hot sweet patootie!

Her legs were nylon pantyhoed
I pulled them all the way down
She spread her cheeks so that they showed
her winking eye of brown

I unbuckled my leather belt
I dropped my pants and jocks
Like a big man is how I felt
Miss Jewel was a fuckin' fox

I rammed my cock deep inside
giving her tight hole a plow
As I stretched her anus open wide
she yelped “Ow, Ow, Ow!”

I owned her plump posterior
with my throbbing Percy
Showing her interior
not one ounce of mercy

I thrusted in and out with great force
tearing that arse hole up
I rode her like a racehorse
at the famous Melbourne Cup

Now it was time for me to school her
So I grabbed a fist of her blonde hair
Then with her wooden ruler
I smacked her derrière

I used it like a riding crop
She rocked her body faster
She cried out “Oh yes, don’t stop
Don’t stop fucking me master!”

I drilled her deep like a miner in the ground
I pounded her at a quickening pace
Then as I’s about to cum, I spun her ‘round
and shot spunk all over her face

“Now suck my dick!” I did command
“n’ taste your own filthy shit”
So she took my shaft in one hand
and wrapped her red lips around it

I pushed her head hard right down
“Yeah suck that dick” I muttered
“You like the taste of your own brown”
She gagged. She drooled. She spluttered

I pulled it out. She smiled up at me
from down there on her dirty knees
She wiped her eyes so that she could see
And said “That’s what I get for bein' a flirty tease”

And as the thick lashings of glistening cum
dripped off her chin onto her chest
I pulled my pants up n’ said “I gotta run”
She said “you’re getting an ‘A’ on your next maths test!”

Sex in Public

Having sex in public places
is a mighty fine thing to do
There are just so many spaces
Where you can go and screw

So gather 'round everyone
Let me give you the low down
‘bout just how you can get it on
When you’re out in town

If you’re new to this hobby
I’d recommend you dive right in
Just go to a hotel lobby
they’re a pretty good place to begin

Then pop in the handicapped shitter
I really think it’ll suit ya
It's a great place to show the babysitter
all the moves of the kama sutra

The next place on the menu
is a local library aisle
It is the ideal venue
for a bit of doggy style

It’s a swell place to get some
of the love that you’ve been needing
And after you have cum
you can catch up on some reading

Another place to bump and grind
is at the city zoo
That is if you don't mind
the smell of elephant poo

Just be careful where you go
and please take it from me
'Cos if you don't watch your arse there bro
You'll get jacked by a chimpanzee

A classic public spot
to get off one's rocks
That you might want to give a shot
is a church confessional box

Just slip in there and get nude
Then do whatever you pleases
Hopefully it doesn't ruin the mood
To get perved on by Jesus

Some like to get their end in
on top of a moving train
They like the shot of adrenaline
that goes straight to the brain

There once was a dignified gent
who spied a sexy train conductor
So up to the roof they went
And there of course he fucked her

The other male passengers went up to watch
they were a horny, drooling hoard
And after the gent had finished with her crotch
She cried out “All aboard!”

They filled her holes with rock hard snakes
jizz was squirting everywhere
But when the driver slammed on the brakes
They went flying naked through the air

So there you have it girls and blokes
your intro to public sex;
The favourite pastime of the noblest of folks
just like your boy Rex!

Slow Cunt

I was walking down main street
at the end of a long hard day
I had to get to the bank before it closed
but there was a slow cunt in my way

He was taking up the width of the footpath
with his head in the fuckin clouds
White ear buds in his fuckin ears
oblivious to all who’s around

I go “Oi slow cunt, move your arse
some of us have places to be!"
He turned around as slow as a retarded snail
and this is what he said to me;

“This footpath is for everyone
you should just go around”
while he chowed down on a family size pie.
gut hanging down to the ground

I said “I would love to go around you
you disgusting gelatinous freak
but if I started hiking right now
I wouldn't get back 'till late next week"

“Not my problem” The slow cunt croaked,
tomato sauce all over his face
“It's my human right to walk where I want
at my personal chosen pace”

“Is that so” I said to the slow cunt
(His shirt was stained with gravy and meat)
Right then is when I heard a garbage truck
coming down main street

I grabbed an eight metre extension cord
that was out the front of a variety shop
and tied one end ‘round the slow cunts neck
he yelled “Ahh! What are you doin'? Stop!”

I made the other end into a giant loop
and swung it over my head laughing "Ha ha ha!"
Then as the garbage truck went by
I lassoed it around its tow bar

A look of horror came upon his plodding face
as I slapped him square on the arse
Then the truck took off down the fuckin' road
You've never seen a slow cunt move so fast

Beer! Beer! Beer!

American beer, American beer
Is watery and weak
I’d rather let a reindeer
Take in my glass a leak
At least then I’d get some flavour
And the strength that I seek
American beer, American beer
Is watery and weak

English Beer, English beer
Is as warm as camel cum
Which I find ironic
‘Cos over there, there ain't no sun
To not serve larger chilled
Should simply not be done
English Beer, English beer
Is as warm as camel cum

Irish beer, Irish beer
Tastes like leprechaun wee
And looks like the muck
That came out the back of my Harley
Somebody should tell ‘em
Barley ain't in the recipe
Irish beer, Irish beer
Tastes like leprechaun wee

Italian Beer, Italian beer
Is brewed from day-old pasta
And was once used to drown
An interfering pastor
Who became a problem
For a Sicilian gangster
Italian Beer, Italian beer
Is brewed from day-old pasta

French Beer, French beer
Is drunk by male fans of Cher
Who wear black leather chaps
That show off their derrière
If that is what you’re into
Hey man, I don't care
French Beer, French beer
Is drunk by male fans of Cher

German beer, German beer
Was designed by the Nazis, it’s true
They used to drink it all the time
Back in World War II
It’s secret ingredient
Was a bit of Hitler’s poo
German beer, German beer
Was designed by the Nazis, it’s true

Japanese beer, Japanese beer
Of it you should be wary
For it’s been said it's cursed
And you may find this scary
But drinking it will bring you shame
So much so you’ll commit harakiri
Japanese beer, Japanese beer
Of it you should be wary

Aussie beer, Aussie beer
Is crisp, cold, and refreshing
It picks you up when you are blue
It’s a liquid, golden blessing
Give some to a sexy girl
And watch her start undressing
Aussie beer, Aussie beer
Is crisp, cold and refreshing!

Down here in Australia

Down here in Australia
there's heaps of Poisonous snakes

That hang out in the undergrowth
especially around lakes

You gotta make sure you stomp real hard
so that they get scared off

‘Cos if you surprise ‘em mate
that’s when they get pissed off

So If you go bush walking down under
be careful ‘round long grass

‘Cos a Death adder might just jump out
and bite you on the arse

Down here in Australia
There’s heaps of Jellyfish

They're not actually fish though
You won't find 'em in a seafood dish

Instead you see 'em swimming ‘round
in the sea so blue

Waiting in the coastal water
to sting the shit out of you

If you ever touch a box jelly
Screaming is strongly advised

‘Cos in 30 seconds flat
You’ll be be fully paralysed

Down here in Australia
There’s heaps of Venomous spiders

That creep all over everything
They are the world's best hiders

They somehow get inside your house
and lay eggs everywhere

When you go to bed at night
they spin webs in your hair

A deadly bite has the Red back
Massive size has the Huntsman

And beware of the Trapdoor spider
It’ll drag you down into its dungeon

Down here in Australia
There’s heaps of Crocodilians

Who have taken over the waterways
There's literally hundreds of millions

It used to be only in the North
But now the whole place has croc attacks

A guy even got killed in a Burger King
or as we call it ‘Hungry Jacks’

Now If you dream of coming here on holiday
I really don't want spoil it

But they’ve been known to come up ya sewer pipe
and snap ya when you’re on the toilet

Down here in Australia
There's heaps of red, wild dogs

That are known as Dingos
they won't tell ya this in ya travelogues

These bastards are the real deal
They don't do no pretendin’

They’ll run up to you from behind
and bite your achilles tendon

You really gotta watch out for 'em
especially if you’re a mum lady

‘Cos in the dark of night they’ll come
And kidnap your young baby

Down here in Australia
There is the rare Drop bear

So if you’re camping in the outback
Watch your arse out there

They’re related to the koala
but much bigger and fatter

They’re attracted to the smell of campfires
and the sound of peoples chatter

They hide up in tree branches
Then drop down on you

Backpackers are crushed every year
When they leave their group for a poo

Down here in Australia
We have a species called the Bogan

It drinks VB, drives a V8 ute
and likes to quote Paul Hogan

It styles its hair into a mullet
and smokes Winfield Blues

It’s often found in a flannel shirt
That shows off tribal tattoos

The Bogan’s found all over the country
in every city and state

You’ll know it by its territorial call:
“What the fuck you lookin’ at mate!”

So If you come down to Australia
Just keep your wits about you

‘Cos everything I told you here
Is completely true

Don’t act like a fuck wit
If you go off the beaten trail

And don't piss off the critters
because then they’ll

Bite, sting, squash and bash you
Like a dinner, you'll be done

So with all of that in mind folks
Enjoy Australia and have fun!

I'm a Naughty Milkman

I’m a naughty milkman
I drive an old milkman's truck
I wear a white coat and a matching hat
And I just don't give a fuck

I wait until you've left for work
I’m a naughty milkman
Watching your house with binoculars
Just as sneaky as I can

Look at me walkin’ across your lawn
With my bottles in hand
I’m a naughty milkman
And I hope you understand

That your wife has been missing me
Yes, she’s my biggest fan
And today her milk comes with extra cream
I’m a naughty milkman

Your wife is a little minx
Look at her in that negligee
As she invites me into your house
In a most enticing way

She takes me by the hand
Your wife is a little minx
She leads me to your bedroom
And pours us a couple of drinks

We crack jokes about you
While we lay on your bed and fuck
Your wife is a little minx
But you dude, are a cuck!

And I don't care what you
or the rest of society thinks
I’ll be comin’ back for more ‘cos
Your wife is a little minx

Your pitbull is mean and vicious
I didn't know you had a dog
He’s at the end of the bed snarling
Oh no please, Oh God!

He's got me by the arm
Your pitbull is mean and vicious
“Call him off!” I scream
To your minxy missus

But she cannot control him
And he won't stop mauling me
Your pitbull is mean and vicious
Out the window I try to flee

But I simply can't outrun him
‘Cos I have neglected my fitness
All I wanted was a bit of fun
Your pitbull is mean and vicious

Debbie and The Doctor

Debbie had men on the brain.
She hadn’t been laid in a year.
So she went to a clinical therapist
Which is a very respectable career.

His name was Doctor Mickley
and he’d written many-a-book.
She accidentally called him Doctor ‘Lick me’.
He gave her a knowing look.

She said “I just don't know what to do.”
As she held a palm to her face.
It’s been so busy at work, I’ve had no time for sex.
I’m stuck between a cock and a hard place.”

“Don’t you mean a rock and a hard place?”
The doctor said with a smirk.
“Yes, that’s what I said.” Moaned Debbie.
“They've got me under the hump at work.”

“I believe the phrase is under the pump.
“Yes, under the pump, why? what did I say?”
“Oh, ah nothing.” Said the doctor,
Thinking “This is my lucky day.”

“I’ve been feeling a frustration,” Said Debbie,
“pushing me down with a rough caress.
Maybe I just need some time away
to take off this unwanted dress.”

“Which dress?” Asked the doctor.
Debbie said “What do you mean dress?
I said stress doctor Lick me please,
Will you help me in my time of distress.”

She said “Lately I’ve been worried about politics,
do you think there might be a connection?
I’ve been obsessed with who I’m gonna vote for
in this upcoming erection.”

“I see.” Said the doctor slyly,
rubbing the crotch of his pants.
“Sometimes it’s good to work these things out
via interpretive dance.”

“Now remove those high heels Debbie,
this will really help you self express.”
As she bent over he pulled out his phone
and took a sneaky snap up her dress.

“Now close your eyes, that’s right
and be sure to keep them shut.”
He said while perving at the photo
of her round, underwear-less butt.

“That’s right, now with your eyes closed
I want you to imagine you're a tree.
Tell me now, what sort of tree are you?”
“A monogamy hard wood.” Said Debbie

“Don't you mean mahogany?” Asked the doctor,
slime building up on his tip.
“Yes, a hardwood mahogany.” She said
with a hand on the curve of her hip.

“Good, now dance in a way to interpret it,
feel the wind through your leaves, be free.”
I feel the wind pushing me over.” She said
I feel it savagely up-rooting me.”

Debbie waved her arms above her head.
She swayed. She twerked. She wiggled.
She fell down softly to the white fluffy rug.
He licked his lips as her pert jugs jiggled.

“Tell me about your dreams.”
Said the Doctor, (naked from the waist down)
“Well sometimes when I’m sleeping,
I dream of an obese, musical clown.”

“Over and over he plays on the piano
that eighties pop song ‘Venus’.
Then his whole body turns to stone.
He is a big, fat, rock-hard penis.

“You mean pianist.” Said the doctor
“Yes, that’s what I said.” She replied
“Of course, that’s what I heard too.”
He stroked his stiffy as he lied.

She spun around opening her starving eyes,
“Take me now doctor!” She screamed.
He got such a shock from her shouting like that
that he almost fuckin’ creamed.

He got out from behind his desk
and quickly locked the door to his room.
Then he bent Debbie over a swivel chair
and raw dogged her yearning poon.

He fucked her east, he fucked her west,
He fucked her north and south.
He didn't ask if she had any STD’s
He wasn’t one to look a gift whore in the mouth.

And as all this hot business went on
Freud watched down with pride from heaven.
Wanking away on his angel cock
Giving those crazy kids his blessin’.

What The Fuck Cupid?

What the fuck Cupid
Are you bloody stupid?
Why’d you have to shoot her in the arse?
Thanks to your arrows
I’m now at the gallows
And this day may be my last

For you did awaken
The heart of a maiden;
The King's fare daughter Fleur
But he hates my guts,
Thinks that I’m nuts
And would kill me if I touched her

But last night as I slept
Through my window she leapt
And crept into my chamber bed
As I woke from my slumber
She was doing a number
On me using only her head

She said she wouldn't tell
But after your spell
Broke, she regretted what she’d done
She must’ve told her dad
‘Cos this morning I had
Two guards say “Y’comin’ with us son”

I said that I’d elope
But the King thought a rope
Around my neck would be a much better suit
So what the fuck Cupid
Are you bloody stupid?
You should’ve just shot a prostitute!


Remember those two young girls who were conjoined twins?
Well they are all grown up now and that's where this tale begins

Their names are Gabby and Tiffany and they've matured into fine young women
Who enjoy shopping and reading and watching TV, hanging out with friends and swimmin’

Now as you’ll recall they have one body though they each have their own head
So of course they sleep together and don't have their own separate bed

This factor was never was a problem when they were little kids
But now that they are older their relationship has hit the skids

Because Gabby grew into a prude who is not interested in men
But Tiffany can’t stop wishing about getting fucked by them

She imagines how good it would feel to get slammed in the butt
Though Gabby thinks that doing this would make them both a slut

Tiffany tried to convince her sister to meet a guy and do it
But Gabby said there’s just no way that she would say ‘yes’ to it

So Tiff decided that she needed to come up with a clever plan
To somehow knock out Gabby so she could have anal with a man

She thought and thought and thought until she knew what to do
Then she walked them to their fathers shed where she picked up a 4 by 2

“What are you doing with that piece of wood in your hand?” Gabby said
“This is what's best for both of us” Said Tiff, cracking her in the head

But she didn’t hit her twin hard enough to put out her light
And Gabby wasn't going down without putting up a fight

She picked up the whipper-snipper that their dad used to cut the grass
Turned it on and proceeded to whip her sisters side of their arse

“Faaarkk offf!” Yelled Tiffany, as her cheek received the lashing
Then they fell over into some shelves sending a bunch of paint cans crashing

They wrestled on the shed floor, grappling in the wet paint
Until Tiffany made Gabby faint by punching her in the taint

Then Tiff rolled them back into the house and crawled up into bed
Called up a local guy named Brett and this is what she said;

“Hey Brett, you don't know me but my sis and I like your pic
So do you come around for a threesome and give us some of that dick?”

Brett replied “A threesome? Text me the address of your home!”
And like a flash he was there before she could hang up the phone

When he saw poor unconscious Gabby he said “Oh my god, no way”
“If you don't hop in and fuck us” Said Tiff “I’ll tell the whole town you’re gay”

Now Brett didn't have a problem with the community of gay men
But he feared if he was thought to be a member, he may never get pussy again.

So he gulped hard, took of his jeans and threw them over his head
Spat on his palms, rubbed ‘em together and cartwheeled into the bed

Tiffany quickly flipped around into the doggy style position
Then Brett made his cock disappear in the girls butt like an anal magician

As he pounded away on their tight hole, Tiffany let out joyful cries
Then all of a sudden prudish Gabby opened her confused eyes

“What the fuck is going on!” She screamed at the top of her voice
“I thought I said no sex, I thought I said no boys!”

“How could you do this Tiffany? Don’t you know that this will shame us?
“Pleased to meet you Gabby” Said Brett “I must say you have a very nice anus”

“Who the fuck are you?” Screamed Gabby “Oh I’m sorry, my names Brett,
I'm the big stud around here who drives that blue Corvette”

Gabby shrieked “Fuck you Brett! Don't you know that I hate men!”
That’s when Tiffany picked up the table lamp and knocked her sister out again.

“Don't worry ‘bout her Brett, she is spoken for
Now fuck our arsehole harder and treat us like your little whore”

“Bang us into the next dimension, fill our chocolate éclair with cream
And when my bitch sister wakes up later. I’ll tell her 'twas all just a siamese dream.

My Heritage

I can trace my family tree back
all the way to the Iron Age
His name was Garbhán Durkin
and he was a Druid sage

Or at least that was the story
he told to get out of heaving rock
‘Cos while the other men were building Stonehenge
He was givin’ the girls his mystical cock

Birtle Durkin was a Medieval man
A minstrel troubadour
Who gallivanted across the English
countryside of yore

He would pop in to every castle
To sing them songs and play the lute
Then he’d sneak some maidens to the parlour
for a middle ages, kinky root

Godric Durkin was around in the Renaissance
He was a drunk who became a painter
Because a chick he liked dug artists
and he wanted to acquaint her

He actually went to the job interview
to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling
But he could only draw a crude dick n’ balls
and the Pope didn't find that too appealing

The 1700’s gave us Fernando Durkin
He was best mates with Casanova
They travelled all around Europe
trying to get a leg over

Casanova had the suave charm
and a true romantic presence
While my ancestor just hung around with him
so he could get sloppy seconds

Decades later back in the UK
There was an Irishman named Ed
Who got sentenced to hard labour
for stealing a loaf of bread

They put that Durkin on a convict ship
bound for Botany Bay, Australia
But he jumped over board and paddled away
using his oar-some genitalia

By the time World War II came around
Bill Durkin was shitting his pants
He didn’t want to go fight the Japs
or the Nazis over in France

So he did what any brave hero would do
and wore a lady’s bra to sign-up day
Then they wouldn’t let him join the army
‘Cos back then you weren't allowed to be gay

So there's a bit about the history
of my family tree
And I’m proud to lead the Durkins
into the 21st Century

Now for those of you who hate us
You can kiss my bum
‘Cos with the amount of fuckin’ that I do
There’ll be more of us cunts to come!