I'm a Selfish Lover

I’m a selfish lover
and I don't care about you
This is about me
You hear that? ME! Thats who

Your job is to satisfy
my every sexual need
Your place is to follow
For I am born to lead

And I shall be treated
like a Middle Eastern Raj
So what I’ll get you to do
Is give me a massage

I’ll lay here relaxing
while you work my back
C’mon use some elbow grease
Stop being so slack

After three whole minutes
of rubbing my nude skin
I bet you're hot and horny
and ready to begin

That's all the foreplay
that you're gonna get
after that massage
you should by now be wet

I’m now checking your snatch
but it still seems to be dry
Time to get out the lube
I’m not an oral kind of guy

I'm gonna lay here
Now you get on top
And pump up and down
Until you make me POP!

C’mon don't be lazy
Do it better, do it faster
Moan for me louder
That’s how you please your master

Oh you’re hopeless
That's not how it's done
I’m gonna watch porn now
Because you can't make me cum

Just you keep riding me
while I watch this slutty teen
masturbating for me
on my mobile phone screen

This e-chick beats you
she so hot and so young
Oh yeah oooooooooo
I’m about to cum

Now quick get on your knees
and open up for me
As I jerk off in your mouth
Thats how its gonna be

Oh shit , that's the end
Of this video
Well, while I search for another
keep up the fellatio

I’m looking for another vid
on pornhub that I likes
Just you keep on sucking
Ah here we are “Horny dykes”

Now don't neglect the balls
while I watch my leso show
Oh yeah baby
Look at these chicks go

Yeah! This makes me feel
Just like I'm in a threesome
This is how I do it
This is how I get me some

Oh here we go Ooooooooo
Time to get it on your face
Yeah look at me I'M CUMMMING!
shooting white jizz on your face

It's on your cheeks, It's on your lips
It's in your goddamn eyes
Yeah I'm the god of sex!
I am the fuckin’ prize!

Yeah that's how I do
That is how it's done
It's all about me bitch
I don't care if you've not cum

‘Cos I’m a selfish lover
It is I who makes you whole
And for 25 bucks off eBay
You’re a pretty good blow up doll

Girls of the World

I’m forever travellin’ ‘round the world
I’m a dinkum Aussie rover
And no matter where on earth I am
I always get a leg over

I gallivant across the globe;
Laying girls from every nation state
And they're all special in their own way
Please allow me to elaborate

German Girls are feisty
and like to take control
They’ll get on top in bed
and cowgirl your steel pole

They can be very efficient
some might say obsessed
And they love to suck your bratwurst
during Oktoberfest

French girls are chic
and filled with horny passion
they will munch on your baguette
in the most elegant fashion

They'll show you the eiffel tower
and then show you their tits
Just try not to chunder
when you see their hairy pits

English girls are as dirty
as a chunk of old black coal
When Big Ben rings his bell
They’ll gobble your sausage roll

Then make you a cup of tea
brewed from the finest leaf
And Union Jack you off onto
their horrid, crooked teef

Mexican girls will dance for you
wearing next to nada
Then get down on their knees
to nibble your enchilada

They'll turn 'round bending over
and let you pump their spicy rear
Just don't drink the water down there
Lest you will get diarrhea

American girls love freedom
and are oh-so patriotic
With your hotdog in their buns
things will get steamy and erotic

They'll raise your Star Spangled Boner
And then grind and suck and hump
That's after they've painted your face orange
and made you role-play Donald Trump

Canadian girls are so friendly
They're the nicest ones you’ll meet
But boy do they enjoy
sitting on your juicy meat

They'll pour maple syrup over you
and soon as you're about to cream
They’ll turn around, spread their cheeks
and make you eat out their Poutine

Japanese girls love to Sake
on your Salmon Sushi
Then lift up their sailor skirt
and let you Mount their Fuji

When you go ninja on her ass
I tell ya, it’ll thrill ‘er
As she feels the orgas-tsunami
caused by your Huge Godzilla

Chinese girls are saucy
talkin' bout that sweet n’ sour
With them between the silk sheets
you’ll feel like a world superpower

Chowing down on your Dim-Sim
is an act they cant resist
Just don't let the brainwash you
into being a communist

Russian girls mean business
they don't talk no jive
They drink vodka like water
they need it to survive

They will Soviet your Union
until you say “Woo Hoo!”
Just make sure to split before
they try to marry you

Italian girls will lay right down
on a giant pizza
And cry out “Mamma Mia!”
As you give 'em your Tower of Pisa

They like it when you dress up
like you're in the Roman Army
And let them suckle on the end
of your hot salami

Indian girls like to take it slow
so I'd advise you not to hurry
Just wait to dip your poppadom
into their saffron curry

They'll hypnotize you with their dot
that's how they will seduce ya
before they take ya out the back of the temple
for a bit of Kama Sutra

Arab girls really know
how to make you chase
By acting all mysterious
and covering their face

Take 'em on a magic carpet
and feed their Camel Toe a finger
The best bit is you can leave the veil on
If she turns out to be a minger

So there you have it lads
A bit of worldly insight
Now with all this proven knowledge
You’ll be sure to do alright

So travel the world and ball them birds
Do it now! Don't hesitate
Or you could always keep living in your Mum’s basement
and eat Doritos while you Masturbate!

Fucked Fairytales 2

As the Ugly Duckling swam around
the others yelled out “FREAK!”
"Look at his horrid neck" They laughed
"Look at his stupid beak"
But as time went by that ugly duckling
grew into a big swan
Who beat the shit out of those ducks
With his superior brawn

When the Little Billy Goat Gruff
went out for a stroll
Out from under a foot bridge
jumped an angry troll
"This is my bridge you little shit
you're not allowed to cross!"
So the little goat got out a hammer
and nailed the troll to a cross

The Three Little Pigs ran and hid
inside the house of bricks
“You'll never get us in here wolf!
so you can suck our dicks!"
So the Big Bad Wolf blew on the house
which caused it to start shakin'
And when it fell down he caught the pigs
and turned 'em into bacon

Thumbelina cried
'cos she was kidnapped by a toad
Who kept her as a prisoner
in his slimy abode
But she escaped with a fairy prince
Who’s heart was brave yet tender
But their marriage didn't last because
he turned out to be a bender

When the shoemaker woke up in the morning
he couldn't believe his eyes.
There were pairs of boots and shoes made
in every style and size.
When he checked the CCTV
he saw that it was elves
Who had crafted all the footwear
that was sitting on his shelves
So the next night when they came back
he caught them in a cage
And forced them to work in his sweatshop
without paying them a wage

When the Emperor rolled down the street
To show off his new threads
He was swiftly arrested
by two undercover feds
"What’s the meaning of this!!"
The Emperor did yell
"Just for this you both shall rot
in a dungeon cell!"
Cop said "Sir, you're being arrested
for exposing yourself to a minor."
"And being in a public place
with an unkempt mangina."

More Nursery Crimes

Mary Had a Little Lamb
Who grassed her to the cops
So when she got released on bail
She made pan-fried lamb chops

Hickory dickery dock
I jizzed in a gym sock
Then I put
It on my foot
Which made me feel like a cock

Incy Wincy Spider
Climbed up the old bell tower
Pulled out a sniper rifle
And shot people for an hour
When the cops turned up
Incy Wincy didn't run
'Cos he knew that no one would believe
A spider shot the gun

Little Jack Horner was a funeral mourner
At his dear grandmother's wake
He undressed her dead body
In front of everybody
And sweet love to her corpse he did make

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
I know exactly what you are
A burning ball of hydrogen gas
With an enormous size and mass
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
I've got you sussed so ha! ha! ha!

Nursery Crimes

Three blind mice ,Three blind mice
Stole my handgun, Stole my handgun
They tried to hold up a liquor store
But got way more than they bargained for
When they stepped on the tail of the cat by the door
Three blind mice

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on Warren Buffett’s
Face, while he masturbated
But her derrière
Cut off his air
And the poor bugger suffocated

Jack’s not nimble, Jack’s not quick
Jack suffered head trauma from a donkey kick

Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater
Tried to fuck a parking meter
But just as things were getting hot
His dick got jammed in the coin slot
How did he get free from shorty?
With a little squirt of WD-40

Baa, baa, black sheep
Have you any grog
For the last time mate
I am a farm dog.
Then how come
you are in a sheep pen
Because you nosy cunt
I’m watchin’ over them

The Great Dictators

Did you know that Josef Stalin loved to dress as Judy Garland
And prance about his mansion in a frock
He’d sing the Trolley Song wearing nothing but a thong
Which strangely had no outline of a cock

President Pol Pot would like to take a shot
of morphine to help him to relax
He took so much one day while out playing croquet
that he accidentally soiled his under dacks

Benito Mussolini liked to wear a pink bikini
Then force his army generals to watch him flex
He’d say “Check me out guys” as they rolled their eyes
He’d even make them call his man-boobs pecs

Adolf Hitler was fond of his french tickler
Which he’d pop up his bum any chance he had
He’d work it with a pen though every now and then
It would get stuck up there which made him very mad

Robert Mugabe was playing with his Barbie
'cos that’s how he liked to spend his afternoons
In his Spongebob pyjamas, he'd make his dollies act out dramas
Then eat pop tarts and watch hentai cartoons

Saddam Hussein had a problem with his brain
a distinct deficiency of any smarts
He never really knew the right time to take a poo
So he’d shit his pants when ever he did farts

Kim Jong-il was a master of the skill
of performing fellatio on his own willy
And when he was in the mood for the taste of spicy food
He would sprinkle on his cock hot flakes of chilli

Muammar al-Gaddafi liked to eat grape taffy
so much so that he got hooked on it
When it clogged up his bowel everybody heard him howl
“Oh Please dear lord, let me do a shit!”

Chairman Mao Zedong tried to make his dick grow long
by tying a mini anvil to his peen
He kept it well concealed ‘till he stepped in a magnetic field
You've never heard such a high pitched scream!!


Outta my way losers! I’m better than all of yous’s
You know damn well that I am the Best
There's no one better looking so just stop all your sooking
Comparing yourself to me will just make you depressed

Not only am I hot but I have also got
A genius mind that's off the IQ chart
When Einstein hits a wall he gives me a phone call
To solve his problems 'cos I'm so very smart

I’m the toughest guy around no one stronger to be found
I once won tug-of-war against a bison
If you think you want to dance buddy, you don’t stand a chance
I’m like a cross between Bruce Lee and Mike Tyson

I am living large, just take a look in my garage
You'll see my fleet of sports cars and my two new boats
I’ve got so much goddamn money that when I go to the dunny
I wipe my arse with hundred dollar notes

No man's dick is bigger (as in longer and or thicker)
It's the only organ that can be seen from the moon
Mine makes the cock of Reggie look like a small steamed veggie
Or a caterpillar wrapped in a tiny grey cocoon

All the ladies say that they pray for the day
That I'll invite them to sleep in my bed
For it is well known that I’m an expert with my bone
Those aren't my words, That's just what they all said

There’s no one in history that is better than me
The truth’s the truth, no matter how it's sliced
So It doesn't confuse me when famous people accuse me
Of being the second coming of Jesus Christ!

Fucked Fairytales

As the prince approached the tower
there was magic in the air
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel
Throw down your golden hair!”
And as she did the prince then said
“Ah, actually….never mind.”
For the rope of hair Rapunzel dropped
was of the pubic kind!

When the three bears got home
they saw their missing food
“Who would do this to us” they roared
Who would dare intrude!”
They ran up stairs only to find
Goldilocks in their beds
Who pulled out a sawn-off shotgun
And blew off their fuckin’ heads!

Little Red Riding Hood
was skipping down the forest trail
When the Big Bad Wolf sidled up to her
waving his bushy tail
“Hey there Mr. Wolf” she said
let's fuck, whatta ya say”
“Oh, ah sorry” said the Big Bad Wolf
“I’m actually a gay!”

When the little lad named Hansel
saw the gingerbread house
He ran straight over to it
and started nibbling like a mouse
His sister Gretel joined in too
But soon all was not fine
When they noticed on the cottage wall
an asbestos hazard sign!

Jack planted the magic beans
and a massive beanstalk grew
So he started climbing up the trunk
to see where it went too
At the top he heard a loud voice say
“You must be my next client”
Then the white clouds parted to reveal
A big, fat hooker giant!

Hooray For Equality

I was in my own backyard
Gazing up at the blue sky
Just smoked a pipe of shard
So I was really fuckin’ high

Sipping a glass of red wine
Laying on a deck chair
Not wanting a tan line
I took off my underwear

Then barging through the side gate
Comes a cop with a drawn gun
“Why you naked mate!!!
Why donchu have clothes on?”

“Hey mate c'mon chill
I'm just getting a few rays
Is this a fuckin’ drill?
Didn’t think you worked Sundays”

Cop said “The neighbour next door
Telephoned the police
And complained that you're
Disturbing the peace"

"Not to get all legal
But it's now against the law
To lay around spread eagle
In your backyard in the raw"

So he took me to the station
Stuck me in a barred enclosure
And much to my frustration
Charged me with indecent exposure

When I turned up to court
I was really bloody nervous
The judge said “Okay Sport
Ninety hours community service"

They had me on the roadside
Picking up discarded litter
I almost broke down and cried
When they said there was no shitter

I had to go behind a truck
If I wanted a wee or poo
Which is embarrassing as fuck
With a guard eyeballing you

So after it was through
I went back to my old home
And poured myself a brew
With a nice head of white foam

I'm sitting on my balcony
Enjoying my pint of ale
And what the hell do I see
But a bare naked female

It was the very neighbour
Who called the cops on me
“I might just return the favour”
I said to myself with glee

So I got out my mobile
And reported the nude cunt
Then before an outback while
The Jacks were out the front

I was calmly kickin’ back
Thinking “This is gonna be grouse”
When allofasudden there's a pack
Of armed cops in my house

For accidentally observing
This woman without clothes on
I got arrested for perving
And being a peeping tom

It seems to be true these days
That if you have a dong
There are just so many ways
You can be found in the wrong!

Megan the Vegan

I'm dating this girl called Megan
Who is a full on vegan
So I only eat pork
When she’s out on her walk
But It kinda feels like I'm cheatin’

‘Cos when she gets home she can tell
She says “What's that fuckin’ smell?”
I say "Baby of course
It’s barbeque sauce"
That's when she starts to scream and yell

“I thought we weren't gonna eat
Any kind of animal meat”
I say “Baby listen to me
It's just fried tabbouleh
With a side of steamed silverbeet"

She says “Oh that’s a fuckin’ lie
How dare you try to deny
That you've been eatin' pork
I don't buy your jive talk
I thought you were a decent guy"

I say “Babe, I wasn't tryin' to front”
As I swiftly light up a thick blunt
"If you can't take a joke
At least have a toke
On this spliff and stop being a cunt"

She inhales and her eyelids fall
Then she wraps herself in her wool shawl
And says "I'm in the mood
For Italian food"
So I give the pizza shop a call

Street Fighter II

I went to the arcade to play Street Fighter II
I put in two bucks and selected Ryu
When all of a sudden I get sucked into the screen
Swirling through the votex I let out a girlish scream

Next thing I know I’m down at the docks
In a white karate gi with no shoes or socks
I hear the yelling and cheering of ladies and men
“Round One FIGHT!” Oh Shit, I’m fighting Ken!

I go “Wait a minute Ken you don't understand
But he just gave me an uppercut with his right hand
And as he did he went “SHORYUKEN!”
I fell down on the ground, wheezing and pukin’

As he kept comin’ at me I thought “Holy shit!”
I tried to hobble away so I wouldn’t get hit
But I couldn't step past the edge of the scene
I was stuck in this pixelated maritime theme

“I’m just a rude poet, I don't know martial arts
All I know how to do is write limericks about farts
And the odd verse or two about my dick
Oh Fuck! here comes a hurricane kick!”

So I duck for cover in a cowardly way
As I feel some fresh shit slide out of my bum
I realise I’ve made it to the end of round one

Hoping no one can see that I’ve done a poo
I hear that voice from before say “Round Two”
Ken Jumps over to me and gives me a left hook
That's when I start sobbing and having a sook

“This just isn’t fair! Can’t anyone see
I told you I don't fuckin’ know Karate”
But the crowd kept on cheering from their fuckin’ boat
As Ken judo chopped me in the fuckin’ throat

That's when I snapped and really got pissed
And before my very eyes crept that old red mist
I shouted “Right that’s it …..FUCK YOU KEN!”
Then I pushed both fists out and yelled “HADOKEN!!”

A blue fire ball shot out of my hands
Straight towards Ken and guess where it lands?
Yeah that’s right, It gets him bang in the gut
“If I keep doing this move I might just kick his butt”

“HADOKEN!! HADOKEN!!” I kept on sayin’
“I'm tellin' ya Ken, I ain't playin’!”
I got him at least a dozen times with that shit
Keeping him at a distance so I wouldn't get hit

As the fireballs got him they made a wicked sound
Then I notice him wobble and fall to the ground
“Woo Hoo! I just fuckin’ won round two!
Yeah that’s what you get for messin’ with Ryu!”

I was thinking to myself “My moves are so tight”
When I hear the voice say “Round Three FIGHT!”
I go “Ha ha ha, this is a piece of piss
How ya feeling there Ken? Do you remember this!”

Then I proudly yell “HADOKEN!!” again
But this time it doesn't even get Ken
He doesn't get hit, he doesn't get burnt
"Oh Jesus Christ......... , This fucker’s learnt"

"And here he comes with fast kicking feet"
There was nowhere for little old me to retreat
I tried to block, I tried to punch
As I heard my collar bone go CRUNCH!

He smashed me in the ribs and caved my chest in
Causing more shit to spew from my intestine
“Stop fighting me Ken, c’mon this is bananas
Can't you see the brown stains on my white pyjamas!!?”

But he just picked me up and threw me over his head
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh FARK ORF KEN!” I said
“I’m not even supposed to be here fighting you
All I wanted was a game of Street Fighter II”

But the blond fuckwit wouldn't listen to me
He just jumped in the air and came down with a knee
Which landed on my face Oh, the pain was crazy
Then I couldn't see properly.....

..........everything went hazy.........

When I woke up I was slumped over the arcade machine
“Holy fuckin’ shit it was all just a dream!”
I was so relieved I wasn't dead I did a little dance
As I hear a kid yell “Gross! That guy’s shit his pants!”

I like my cat

I like my cat
a great deal
He livens up my place

But if I died
his next meal
Would be my fuckin' face

He would eat
off my left cheek
Not caring that I'd carked it

Then turn 'round
and take a leak
Right on my nice carpet

So I tried
to train my cat
Instead to be my hero

But his paws
were just too fat
To dial triple zero

So I got
him a treadmill
In order to trim down

But he just
laid on it still
And gave me a sad frown

I Just hope
I do not kick
The bucket 'round my cat

'Cos I know
that little prick
Will chow me down like that

He pretends
to be my mate
He acts like he's legit

But If I
did meet my fate
I'd soon be cat shit!


There once was a girl named D’arcy
Who took her fetish so far she
Would let all the boys watch
As she soaked her own crotch
In a flagrant act of Omorashi

She trekked from Toulouse to Turin
With her own brand of euro tourin’
And wherever she’d go
The townsfolk would cry “HO!
Here comes the Queen of Urine!”

She'd stand in the village square
And call to all the people there
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
Come watch me wee!"
Then she'd wet her own underwear

And Oh, how the people did cheer
In a way that was true and sincere
N' 'cos they wanted the display
To last all day
They kept giving her free pints of beer

When a policeman heard about this
He said “Excuse me little miss
But you're not allowed
To entertain a crowd
By letting them watch you piss”

She said “Oh really is that so
No one tells me ‘No’
You think I’m beneath ya
'Cos I use my urethra
To put on a sparkling show?!”

She said “This is a load of scheißen
Now brace yourself for a surprise son”
Then she released from her cunt
A massive torrent
That blew the cop to the horizon

She yelled "Now you can stay over there for an hour!
And have a think about that golden shower!
The name's fuckin' D'arcy
And you can kiss my arsey
If reckon you can make me cower!"

"I don't care if you deem it obscene
Getting perved on while I piss is my scene!"
Then she did a little dance
In her soggy underpants
Yelling "I'm the greatest leak freak the world's seen!"


There once was a comic named Bill
Who was a master of the skill
Of giving girls wine
Which they thought was fine
When really it was spiked with a pill

Then after the girl had passed out
Bill would get naked and shout
“When da ladies not looking
You put-da Jell-o pop in da pudding!”
Whilst waving his cock all about

Then he’d jump on his female prey
And have his disgusting way
Up inside them he’d creep
While they were fast asleep
And as he’d nut he’d cry “Hey! Hey! Hey!”

For years he thought he’d got away with it
For no one would believe he’d commit
Something as intense
As a sexual offence
It would just sound like a load of bull shit

But when his victims went to the press
The truth could not be suppressed
And as the judges gavel fell
Ol’ Bill was sent to hell
Where they make him wear lipstick and a dress


Remember that time at the train station
When you were busting for a wee?
And how it took all your concentration
Not to let loose all that pee?

Do you recall how your bladder
Felt like it was gonna burst
You'd never needed a leak badder
Oh, it was the worst

Then there in the distant distance
You saw the ‘ladies toilet’ sign
So holding the crotch of your pants
You ran to the back of the line

But the line took so fuckin’ long
It moved at a snail's pace
So you distracted yourself by humming a song
As the sweat beaded up on your face

Not wanting to break the golden seal
And succumb to nature’s call
You stood fast through the painful ordeal
'Til you finally made it to a stall

Only to find that some bloody troll
Had sprayed all over the seat
And also left in the toilet bowl
A putrid little treat

Remember how you reached your hand inside
The roll holder on the door
But only got a piece that was one inch wide
And there wasn’t any more

So you squat down with it and tried to soak
Up the urine from the seat
When through the glory hole a dick did poke
And you have a thing for mystery man meat

So you gripped your mouth around that cock
Giving it your best oral maneuver
Another woman outside gave the door a knock
But you were sucking like a turbo hoover

Then glob, glob, glob he came in ya gob
And chirped “Thanks for the service miss!”

But you were so busy with the blowjob
You didn't realise you’d satched your pants with piss


Sexy Red Glove

First thing in the morning that I do
After my bacon and eggs
Is put on my red mesh glove, it's true
And pretend my fingers are legs

I pretend my fingers are the sexy pins
Of a hot n' saucy girl
Two sexy, slender lady limbs
On the most beautiful man-hand in the world

I strut them down the breakfast bar
Doesn't the frilly skirt look cute
My hand is gonna be a big star
And by 'star' I mean a prostitute

I let her dance on the pepper grinder
While I hum the ‘Pretty Woman’ theme
She's my bitch and I’m her minder
We're a slick pimp and ho team

Just me and my sexy red glove, I say!
As natural as can be
But my girlfriend says if I don't throw it away
She will stop having sex with me

Tinder Date

I took a tinder date out for some grub
Down at this new gastro pub
She laughed at my jokes as we drank beer
Then she whispered deep into my ear

“Okay big boy I’m ready to roll”
So out the front door we did stroll
Through the back streets to my pad
I was thinking to myself “I’m a lucky lad”

We get inside, she flops on the couch
Then pulls out her tobacco pouch
She rolls a smoke and lights it up
As I pour some vodka into a cup

I give it to her and the booze is flowing
That's when I notice a bulge in her crotch growing
“WTF!!?” my brain thought
But she caught me staring and yelled “What?!”

“Oh, ah, sorry lady, I didn’t know you were a dude”
“Excuse me” she said “That's incredibly rude
I suppose you think you've brought home a tranny
But actually I've just got a really big fanny"

“A really big fanny?” I said not believing her
“That’s correct” she replied “Like to see it sir?”
“Yeah okay” said I “Go on, give us a look”
So she pulled down her pants and the whole apartment shook

When her two beefy flaps fell down to the rug
They wrinkled in rolls like the face of a pug
I felt the cock in my jeans almost splooge
When she opened her lips to reveal a hole so huge

And oh how it gaped like an open cut mine
But it smelt fine, mmmmmm fresh pine
As I stared into the space she blew me a smooch
I'd never seen such an enormous cooch!

“That is one big vagina” I casually remarked
“And guess what” she said “It’s where my car’s parked”
I laughed out loud and said “That’s really wide”
She said “Yeah, the last guy I fucked got lost inside”

I laughed again but she said “No joke”
Then out of her cunt stepped a confused looking bloke
He was naked and shaking and covered in cum
If you were in my position....

.....what would've you done?

The Time Machine of Sex

A sexual fantasy of mine
and this may sound a little complex
But I want to go back in time
in my Time Machine of Sex

I’d fly it through a wormhole
back to before our lives
With the one noble goal
of shagging famous dudes wives

First I’d go back to the year
of 1954
And slip in Joe DiMaggio's clear
master bedroom door

Where Marilyn Monroe is sleeping
naked in her bed
So in I go a-creeping
and tap her on the head

Then she wakes up glamorously
with her hair in a tight, blonde curl
And moans out oh so amorously
as she rides me backwards cowgirl

After I’m done I leave her there
with her anus hurtin’
But before I leave the bedroom, yeah
I wipe my cock off on the curtain

Then I hop back in my time machine
and to the Thirties I ride
To stick my johnson in between
the notorious Bonnie and Clyde

I hide behind an apple tree
and watch them from afar
Chuckling to myself with glee
as Clyde steps out of their car

Then as he goes into the bank
with his tommy gun
I run over to his skank
and propose a bit of fun

Bonnie lets me in their Chevy
for an impromptu meet-n-greet
(meaning we get hot n’ heavy
naked on the back seat)

I spray my cum all over her face
just as Clyde comes running out
And high tail it outta the place
“You dirty rat!!” I hear him shout

He fires a flurry of rounds at me
but he ain't got Buckly's chance
'Cos I piss off as quick as can be
to 19th Century France

Where I park on top of the Palace
the home of 'Ol Napoleon
I already have another stiff phallus
So It’s time to get it on

I shimmy my time-travelling arse
across the roof to a big window
I see Josephine so I tap on the glass
and whisper “Hey, let me in yo”

She opens it up and I jump in
then she kisses me on the cheek
Before long I've got my balls on her chin
and she's gagging like a freak

But we’re interrupted by a Frenchman's cry
“Where are you my little flower?”
“Oh shit” says Josephine with cum in her eye
“He wasn’t s'posed to be back for an hour”

So I go into a barrel roll
and hide under their big bed
And pray from the depths of my soul
he can't tell his wife's been givin’ head

So in walks the Emperor of France
in his knee length underwear
And I'm under the mattress shittin' my pants
hoping he doesn't suss that I'm there

Then Napoleon french kisses Josephine
and I lay there worried sick
When I hear him say “Why my queen
does your breath smell like dick?!!”

That's when I get up off the floor
and start running for my life
As I’m bolting out their bedroom door
he yells “How dare you fuck my wife!!”

Chased by the guards, I run like hell
‘til I reach my time machine
I jump in and as I’m flying off I yell
“Thanks for the blow job Josephine!”

I set the time dial to 1533
and the place to London town
Where I hide the machine in a dark alley
just a couple of blocks down

From the giant stone castle home
of King Henry the Eighth
Then I don a brown robe to hide my bone
and to look like a man of faith

I rock up to the iron gates
and give the guards the sign of the cross
Then say “How's it goin’ tonight mates,
Just here to see the boss”

So they let me in without carding me
and in five minutes flat
I’ve pinched Anne Boleyn’s bedroom key
like a crafty little rat

I sneak through a secret passageway
up to a turret tower
Go in her room and pretend to pray
while she's in the ensuite shower

I hear the taps turn off in there
then she walks out in the nude
And catches me in my holy ware
helping myself to her food

I go “Oh, hi Anne, don't worry 'bout me
I’m just a Church of England friar
But inside I'm thinkin’ “He he he”
'cos she cant tell that I'm being a liar

"I'm so ashamed" she says bowing her head
and trying to cover up her bod
I go "Never mind that just jump in bed
trust me baby, I’m a man of god"

So Anne Boleyn slips between the sheets
and I'm eating her pussy out
I've got one hand up there caressing her teats
When I hear Henry the Eighth shout

“Where the fuck is that monk?!!
he better not be up here!!"
As I’m shooting my hot load of spunk
On Anne Boleyn's flabby rear

Like a crazy bull the king bursts in
to catch me naked in bed with his missus
There is no way that I can deny a thing
'cos I'm covered in red lipstick kisses

Henry the Eighth runs over to the bed
and grabs me around the neck
Then punches me upside the head
that's when I hit the deck

I've got the bastard on me, I can't breathe
his lard arse must weigh a ton
But somehow I squeeze out from underneath
and off I fuckin’ run

I bolt back down the tower stairs
just like a scared house cat
But after me Henry the Eighth tears
moving fast for guy that fat

“You will hang for this, you’ll see!!”
I hear the king's voice boom
As he rolls down the stairs right after me
like the boulder in ‘Temple of Doom’

I fall out of an arrow slit
down into the moat
I hear Henry yell “You little Shit!!”
as I climb into a wooden boat

I paddle away fast and good
‘til I find myself in a stream
That conveniently takes me back to the hood
where I left my sexy time machine

As I fly through the sky past the castle
I give the angry king a Toot!-Toot!
And yell “Hope I wasn’t too much of a hassle
and by the way Anne’s a great root!”

As I stroke the whiskers of my beard
I set the dial for the present days
Then in a zap I disappear
into a swirling blue haze

When I get back to the current year
In my post-history sex glory
I head straight down the pub for a nice cold beer
and to tell my mates my epic story!

A Gigolo Story

Work had dried up a bit
And I needed to make some dough
I’m young, handsome and fit
So I figured I’d be a gigolo

I printed up some business cards
that showed a pic of me in my jocks
Then I walked past all the local front yards
and popped ‘em in every letter box

It wasn’t long before my phone was ringin’
with a lady wanting to make a booking
I told her I was a master of dick slingin’
She told me I was gorgeous looking

She said her name was Gloria
and she was aching for the touch of a man
To bring her to a state of euphoria
I said “I think I can help you m’am”

I asked her to send me a pic
So I could see roughly what she weighed
To tell you the truth she was a bit thick
But what the hell, I was getting paid

So I rode my bike to her place
with the cool wind in my hair
I had dark sunglasses on my face
And love was in the mother fuckin’ air

I dumped my bike on her front lawn
and banged on the brass door knocker
It felt like something out of a retro porn
I thought my porn name could be 'Rex Cocker'

She opened the door and there she stood
In the shadows like a jazz bar singer
I switched on the light so that I could
check her out… and yep, she was a minger

I asked her what she wanted to do
She said “Let’s go make love in bed”
I said “OK just as long as you
let me put a paper bag on your head”

She said “Yeah alright” then handed me
a glass of pinot noir
Then off we went to make whoopee
in her upstairs boudoir

She quickly dropped her silken gown
like it was a stripping race
Then she got on the bed, head upside down
As I slid the paper bag over her face

I jumped on the doona next to her
with my feet hanging over the edge
I looked at her fadge which was covered in fur
that was thicker than an English hedge

I pulled off my boots and peeled of my jeans
As she cried “Oh, do me now Rex!”
But something from deep down in my genes
was telling me not to have sex

I looked down at my flacid dick
and whispered “C’mon l’il pimp”
My dick said “I’m not fuckin' that chick"
then just hung there soft and limp

I said “C’mon buddy get hard If ya able’’
but all he did was loosely dangle
So I reached over to the bed side table
and grabbed a long, white scented candle

I spat on it to give it some lube
then rammed it up Gloria's cootch
I had one hand gripping her left boob
when in walked a big, brown pooch

She cried out “Oh yeah, just like that!”
As I quietly called the dog over
When he got to me I could clearly see
there was a pointy, pink boner on rover

I pulled the candle out and heard the hound
make a horny, canine grunt
Then he lept between her legs with a bound
and started humping his owners cunt

Gloria yelled out “Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah!”
As her dog fucked her sopping gash
Then I grabbed my shit and got outta there
And went downstairs to look for cash

I found her purse in the lounge
and I took out a few hundred bucks
Then raided her fridge but there was nothin' to scrounge
So pissed off without giving two fucks

As I rode my bike home I lit up a smoke
and drew back deep on that cig
Then I promised myself that no matter how broke
I’d never take another gigolo gig