Collective Reasoning

(or How Animals got their Collective Names)

Sharks are a shiver 'cos they’ll give you the chills
Crows are a murder 'cos they make a lot of kills

Lions are a pride 'cos they've let it go to their head
Jellyfish are a smack 'cos they'll leave your arse bright red

Cobras are a quiver 'cos they’re straight as arrows
Foxes are a charm 'cos they’re delightful fellows

Crocs are a bask 'cos in the sunshine they be hangin’
Elk are a gang 'cos they always be bangin’

Ferrets are a business 'cos they’re all about the money
Geese are a gaggle 'cos they think everythin’ is funny

Swans are a bevy 'cos they’re always in the drink
Fish are a school 'cos their oils help you think

Frogs are an army 'cos they like to dress in camo
Gorillas are a band 'cos they play drums, bass and piano

Hyenas are a cackle 'cos they love to laugh
Skunks are a stench 'cos they need a bath

Goats are a trip 'cos they’re always stumbling on things
Swans are a wedge 'cos they like to wear g-strings

Apes are a shrewdness 'cos they'll make you look a fool
Bees are-a swarm 'cos they’re not-a s’cool

Kangaroos are a mob 'cos they have been made
Jaguars are a shadow 'cos they throw that shade

Lemurs are a conspiracy 'cos they’re all flat earth
Moles are a labour 'cos they’ve be giving birth

Leopards are a leap 'cos they're always jumpin’
Camels are a caravan 'cos there's a lot of humpin’

Hippos are a bloat 'cos they’ve got high cholesterol
Monkeys are a barrel 'cos that is how they roll

Otters are a family 'cos they hate each other guts
Porcupines are a prickle 'cos they’ll do that to your butts

Oxen are a team 'cos they aint’ got no ‘I’
Owls are a parliament 'cos they fly lie-lie-lie-lie

Parrots are a pandemonium 'cos they kick up a ruckus
Ravens are an unkindness 'cos they try to fuck us

Elephants are a parade 'cos they make you make a clearing
Rabbits are a herd 'cos they have such good hearing

Bears are a sloth 'cos they laze about all day
Bats are a camp 'cos they act so gay

Rhinos are a crash 'cos they always make that sound
Turtles are a bale 'cos they do not hang around

Falcons are a cast 'cos they're moulded from tin
Puppies are a litter 'cos you dump ‘em in the bin*

Wolves are a pack 'cos they're always on your back
Rabbits are a berry 'cos they make a tasty snack

Donkeys are a drove 'cos they were once a drive
Kittens are a kindle as seen on Amazon live™

Pigs are a drift 'cos they’re lost at sea
Tigers are a streak, a streak of yellow wee

Snakes are a nest 'cos they look like a bunch of sticks
Cats are a glaring 'cos they act total dicks

Stingrays are a fever 'cos they’re so adrenal
Rats are a colony 'cos they are so penal

Toads are a knot 'cos they will negate
Giraffes are a tower 'cos they're on the lookout mate!

Buffalo are an obstinacy 'cos they’re stubborn fucks
Dogs are a pound which is around two bucks

Flamingos are a stand 'cos they do not move
Turkeys are a rafter 'cos they raise the roof

Zebras are a zeal 'cos they're so enthusiastic
Squirrels are a scurry 'cos they behave so spastic

Diary entry #87

Oh no.
The keyboard player is cranking tunes
What the fuck is he listening to?
I think it’s Moby………

Dick head.

I had great expectations
of having a quiet night in on the tour bus
watching my David Copperfield illusions DVD
But the idiot has to annoy me
and I have to suppress my desire to enact the law of the jungle.

‘em Danno. LOL!

I suppose this is just the way we live now;
Men without women.
on the road
pretending to be brave.

New World Order conspiracy theories
play silently on the TV monitor.
Apparently lizards
are in positions of power
all around the world.

In eighty days
the tour will be through and I’ll be home
but right now all I want is a lolita.
Out here you dream of women
But they only want you when you don't need ‘em
and when you do need ‘em,
they don't wanna know ya.
They act like you’re invisible.
, now that’s what you call a Catch-22.

No Air-con.
Thermometer reads ninety degrees Fahrenheit.
ants attack a half-eaten, melted snickers
I counted them ‘cos I’m the prince of OCD.
Good onya ants.
Eat as much as you like,
doesn’t bother me.

Gazing out the window
I see the wind in the willows whipping the vines
in a way that’s vicious enough to kill.

A mocking bird
is lashed in the face.
By the looks of that gash
he’s gonna need a Phantom of the opera mask.

The drummer stunk up the bus.
Smells like whatever he excreted
had been inside him since 1984.
Stinks worse than a dumpster at a slaughterhouse.
times worse. Good Lord!

Of the flies
buzzing around the toilet door
the fat one is my favourite.
I’ve named him ‘The Big’.

is what I need
but my bunk is covered
with the droppings of mice
and men
are playing poker down there.
I don't wanna listen to that shit at the second.

is something I won't be having tonight.
But that don't matter
‘cos alcohol is better than sex.
Just wish I had somethin’ to mix with the rum.

entry #87


Animal Encounters

I was down at my local park
When I see this drunken aardvark
Laying on his back
As tanked as a yak
Rolling around in the bark

He goes “Oi! Do you wanna drink?!”
Raising his glass with a wink
I said “Whatta you got?”
He goes “Pure gut rot
everythin' in it but the kitchen sink!”

So I go “Yeah alright cool”
'Cos I like me some rocket fuel
But It sent me to a vortex
Fucked my frontal cortex
And that’s how I came to be such a fool

Last Tuesday 'round about noon
I saw a baboon havin’ a hoon
Pedal to the floor
In his V8 Commodore
Acting like a fuckin’ loon

Doin’ doughies out the front of macca's
And setting off dodge firecrackers
He went “Toot-Toot!”
When he saw two cute
Blonde, big-titted backpackers

The chicks jumped in his ride
I got in the front passenger side
Then we took 'em to the lake
Gave 'em both the snake
And smoked shard 'til our brains were fried

I met this purple caterpillar
Who was an old-school OG chiller
Sittin' on a huge shroom
Suckin' down the dank fumes
Of the kush that they call vanilla

He said “Hey man, you wanna toke
of this psycholicious smoke?”
So I hopped up there
Without a fuckin' care
'Cos he seemed like a cool enough bloke

I took a rip from his hookah billy
Which made me light headed and silly
But things really got weird
When he ruffled my beard
And tried to make me touch his willy!

I was walking down through the boondocks
When I spot over yonder, a fox
But he saw me comin’
So he started runnin’
And hid in an old cardboard box

I went over and said “Oi dude
You hungry 'cos I've got some food?”
He goes “whatta ya got?”
I go “pies, and they're hot
And some snags that've been barbecued

He goes “Cheers a lot for the tucker
You're a real chill mother fucker"
Then he got me a hooker
Who wasn't much of a looker
But she sure was a sick cock sucker!

It was down in Santo Domingo
Where I met this chick flamingo
She was soakin' up the rays
with legs for weeks n’ days
A bona fide hot-pink bimbo

I layed down next to her on the sand
N’ said "Hey baby, I’m in a band"
She said “What to you play?”
I said “The ukelaylay”
But my pun, she didn’t quite understand

I said “I’m rock n' roll Aussie backpacker”
She said “right, so you're a lame slacker”
So long story short
We went to my resort
Where I porked her right in the clacker!

There once was...8

There once was a girl named Patty
Whose appearance was haggard n’ ratty
She would use glad wrap
To hold in the flab
On her gut, 'cos she was a big fatty

One night out at the club
She was dancing with some scrub
But when he touched her waist
It burst in his face
And he drowned in the sea of blub

There once was a dude named Brock
Who had a thin yet lengthy cock
He could crack it like a whip
Or use it to skip
Or even to pick a deadlock

But ‘cos it was thin as a pin
No ladies would sleep with him
So he injected it with lard
Which made it thick n' hard
That’s when the frenzy did begin

Women flocked from all over the state
So that they could get a hot date
With the guy with a dick
The size of Moby Dick
With the sole intent to copulate

Brock made each and every one
Wail out loud (excuse the pun)
He laid so many girls
That now half the new world
Is his distant grand daughter or son

There once was a con-man named Benny
Who was as crooked as a wooden penny
He said that he had
A sweet penthouse pad
And was once nominated for an Emmy™

In town he was a big hit
‘Til it was revealed he was full of shit
He didn’t have a private jet
He was struggling with debt
And he wasn’t best mates with Brad Pitt

All the people felt really dumb
To’ve been hoodwinked by this bum
They bought all his lines
And never saw the signs
Like the stains on his clothes made by cum

There once was a sports fan named Dwayne
Who thought ‘twas his job to explain
All of the game's rules
To his mates, like fools
The arse region, is where he was a pain

So one night before a big bout
His mates told him they were going out
To a sports bar called Gene’s
To watch it on the big screens
And drink cold pints of draught stout

So he waited in the wet out the front
‘Til he got their text message affront
It said “Fuck you Dwayne!
Hope you like the rain!
Don’t call us again you dumb cunt!"

Capital City Limericks

There once was a young lad from Melbourne
Who had a market stall where he'd sell porn
But when his mother found out
She gave him a clout
Which sent a stack of VHS tapes airborne

When he was picking them up from the ground
He looked at one and guess what he found
A bestiality tape
Staring his mum with an ape
A gazelle and an Irish wolfhound

Their once was a young lady from Perth
Who had an enormous waist girth
Her gut was so portly
Her own mother thought she
Was soon about to give birth

She said “Mum I’m not preggers you dork
I'm just fond of my knife and fork
And besides that you crone
You weigh nineteen stone
So who the fuck are you to talk!"

There was an old dame from Sydney
Who made a pie of steak and kidney
She fed it to her man
Straight out of the pan
But he didn't know nothin' didn't he

For her old hubby was not wise
To what his missus put in her pies
And he couldn't see
'Twas his own kidney
'Cos she'd also baked in both his eyes

There once was a copper from Brizzy
Who’d carbonate his piss to make it fizzy
Then serve it at the station
To his mates for hydration
They dubbed the drink “blue-line whizzy”

But one day something was amiss
There was an odd aroma to the piss
And all the cops had a hunch
What their mate had for lunch
Must have contained asparagus

There once was a priest from Adelaide
Who wished that he had a milk maid
Who’d kneel in the pulpit
While he preached his bullshit
And rub his dick with marmalade

So he asked the pope if he was allowed
Pope said "It would make me proud
To know a holy man
Was having citrus jam
Spread on his cock while sermonisin' the crowd"

There once was a fella from Hobart
Who wasn't too bad with a blow dart
He put one in his straw
Blew it at a whore
Which caused her to do a huge ho fart

She yelled “Oi! Why’d you shoot that at me!”
As she started getting real dizzy
Then she fell to the street
So he whipped out his meat
And did his best impression of Bill Cosby

There once was a bloke from Darwin
Who was out in the bay catchin' marlin
When he pulled up a bite
He got a huge fright
'Cos on the end of the line was Steve Martin

Steve was clearly upset
He cried “How fuckin’ stupid can ya get!
I’m trying to spear fish
You stupid dumb bitch
Imma teach you a lesson you won't forget!"

Then Steve came aboard the guys boat
And jumped around like a wild mountain goat
He smashed a hole in the hull
With the guys balding skull
And yelled “Now lets see ya try n’ float!”

There once was a lass from Canberra
Who was attacked one night by a chimera
So She took off her bra
And laughed "Aha ha ha!"
To show the beast it didn't scare her

Then she picked up a stone from the ground
Stuck it in her bra and swung it around
And just like a sling
She flug it at the thing
Getting it right in the pussy mound!


I once had constipation
on a seriously massive scale
‘Twas a cause of much frustration
Gather 'round n' I'll tell you the tale

I think it was last Autumn
Around April or was it May
That I had a problem in my bottom
I wasn't in a very good way

I was banked up for an odd mile
with compacted, solid poo
I hadn't suffered a blockage for while
So I had to remember what to do

I drank a mug of prune juice
to get my bowels a-flowin’
But it didn't help me take a deuce
and the problem kept on goin’

My guts inside felt dense
like a pound of hardened toffee
So to flush out their contents
I drank a strong cup of coffee

An hour later there still was
an internal, large, firm lump
Which concerned me deeply 'cos
I still hadn’t taken a dump

'Twas a case of a stubborn arse;
My colon was in refusal
So I mixed myself a large pint glass
of powdered Metamucil

And guzzled it down in one
then back and forth I walked
'Tis the opposite of good fun
feeling this badly corked

But still there was no movement
just a totally concrete state
Not one bit of improvement
I thought "Was it something that I ate?"

Now, I'd been clogged up before
but nothing quite like this
So I hobbled my way to the store
That they call the pharmacist

My turd-baby was way overdue
Yet my butt wouldn't go into labour
The girl said “Can I help you?”
I said “Laxatives! Chocolate Flavour!”

She said “Okay here you go
now take one when you get home”
I said “Yeah what would you know!
You authoritarian drone!”

I opened the pack and ate the lot
then chucked her a handful of money
She looked at me weird, I said “What?”
Then limped back home to the dunny

When I got in, I sat on the can
where I patiently waited……...

......and waited

.............and waited

Three hours later I yelled “C’MON MAN!!!!”
'cos my arse hadn't evacuated

That's when my girlfriend came home
and said “Rex what's with all the yelling?”
I said “ I've got anal-impaction syndrome”
She said “ Are you just story telling?”

I said “No, I'm seriously in pain
I’ve been bunged up something chronic
There's a traffic jam down the back lane"
She said “Oh, .......How ironic”

I said “There’s nothing ironic about it!
I need to make the train leave the tunnel”
She said “Okay there's no need to shout it"
I said “Go to the shed and get my red funnel”

By the time she got back with it in her hand
My cramps were aching most heinous
I said “Right, Now on my command
Stick the nozzle end up my anus"

She said "Are you fuckin' serious? ,Really?
You should probably see your G.P"
"I am not able to see a doctor clearly
Now please, listen very carefully"

"Trust me, I know what I am doing
I learnt this in Grade 4 science class
It's the only way to get me pooing
Now, I need you to stick the nozzle up my arse"

She said "Oh my god, NO!
I've just got back from the office"
I said "Look, Just when I tell you 'GO'
Insert the nozzle in my rear orifice"

She said "Oh Okay!, fuckin' hell!
I'll do it but I just don't know"
I said "Listen, there's no need to yell
Just slide it in when I say 'Go'"

So crouching down on all fours
I said “One, two, three Go”
Then she jammed it straight in with force
As I instinctively cried out “NOOOOOOO!”

So there I was on the bathroom floor
with the plastic funnel sticking in the air
I said “Okay, now go to the pantry door
You'll find a bottle of vinegar in there"

“Then after that also make sure
to grab the box of baking soda”
(I looked in the mirror and saw
That my face was as green as Yoda)

So, I’m laying on the cold tiles
from the waist down, in the buff
She comes back in and smiles
And says “Do ya think this’ll be enough?”

I said “Yeah, but what’s with the grin?"
She said “You just look kind of funny”
I go “How 'bout some bloody compassion!”
She said “Aww, You want me to call your mummy?”

“NO! Now listen!” I said with a frown
“Pour the vinegar down the flue”
So she poured the whole bottle down
and the box of baking soda too

Then Instantly there was a fizzy explosion
It was a liquid, brown ass-volcano
It came in waves like a disgusting ocean
She blocked her nose n’ yelled “Ohh, Hell No!”

It shot up like Old Faithful
from Yellowstone National Park
When it splashed back down I got a face full
I yelled “Ah grose! No, Oh Faark!”

There was shit dripping from the ceiling
which looked and smelt horribly foul
But I was filled with a sweet relieved feeling
As I wiped my face on her pink towel

“That was the nastiest thing I've ever seen”
she said throwing me a bucket and mop
“And Rex, I swear this better be sparkling clean
By the time I get back from the shop!”