A Southern Breeze

It broke like fallen glass   
at a savage, brutal speed   
Straight out of my arse 
I was surprised indeed   

It sounded like a fog horn   
as it smashed through my front door   
Tearing across the green lawn   
with a foul and ghastly roar   

Down the street it swept   
A putrid hurricane   
First responders couldn't intercept   
my tornado of methane   
  
It turned the lovely town   
into an apocalyptic hell   
Giving everything a brown,   
septic sort of smell   
  
Streets covered with debris   
buildings blown apart   
This shall go down in history   
as my greatest ever fart

I've turned into a chick

Holy mother fucking shit 
I’ve turned into a chick 

What the hell is going on 
and where the hell’s my dick 

My body’s gone all soft 
and I have lost my beard 

My voice is now a soprano                               
‘Cos my balls have disappeared 

O.K, O.K, lets stay calm 
Don’t stress out, don't fret 

Let's take a look in the mirror 
God Damn! I’m a hot brunette! 

But I distinctly recollect                                                     growing up as a boy 

How could’ve this happened? 
Did I drink too much soy? 

Wow, check me out,  I have got 
double D size boobs 

I guess I should accept my womanhood 
So it’s time to shave my pubes 

Shavey, shavey, shavey, shave 
What should I do today? 

Shavey, shavey, shavey, shave 
Wait a minute, does this mean I’m gay? 

Better check out pics of naked ladies 
to see if they still turn me on 

I hope to hell I’m a lesbian 
and not a fan of the shlong 

I’m google imaging “sexy sluts” 
to see if they make me feel randy 

Oh phew, that’s good I’m horny 
My new girl name shall be ‘Kandy’ 

So now that I’m a sexy bitch 
I better get some sexy bitch clothes 

A bra, g-string and mini skirt 
high heels and some panty hoes 

I’m driving down to the shops in the nude 
just like Lady Godiva 

Why do I keep on bumping into things? 
Must be ‘cos  I’m a woman driver 

I pull up outside of Kmart 
and strut right into the place 

Some dickhead wolf whistles at me 
So I punch him right in the face 

“Don’t objectify me” I say to him 
“I didn’t come here to be harassed” 

“Now get the fuck out of here 
before I really kick your ass” 

So the dickhead quickly runs away 
and I go into Kmart 

I head over to the women’s clothes 
and accidentally do a fanny fart 

I pick out a red bra and knickers 
and a cute denim mini skirt 

Some fishnet stockings and high heel shoes 
Look at me, I’m a foxy little flirt 

Just realised I didn’t bring my wallet 
So I’m gonna have to sneak out without paying 

But now that I’m a sexy chick 
I think I deserve free shit, if you know what I’m saying.

THE POET

Hailing from the great land of the south
I’ve got a ball-point in my hand and a ciggy in my mouth


I am a beautiful wonder of a man to behold
A national treasure made out of solid fool’s gold


I’m so artsy-fartsy that every time I pass gas
A Picasso painting shoots out of my ass


My poetry is better than anything you’ve read
With punchlines that stick like chewy in ya head


I’m as drunk as a tramp and as carefree as a tampon
I’ll stamp on your toes and turn ya attic lamp on


Now don't be jealous of me, don't get pissed
Just ‘cos I rock a Seiko 5 on my mother fuckin’ wrist


My vice and glory are multiplying like rabbits
Like a convent’s laundry I’ve got heaps of dirty habits


I’m ruder than Rodney, cruder than Motley
nuder than a Tudor getting rooted by a cockney


My dick is bigger than a great white shark*
*Not to scale (like the fence in Jurassic Park)


That was a pun, y’know a double entendre
If you don't like it how ‘bout you piss off to another genre


’Cos I'm realer than a dream and smarter than Urkle
I’m cooler than McQueen hiking through the arctic circle


I roll around town in my piece of shit car, Wait,
I think my dick stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?


I’ve got more street cred than Squizzy Taylor
And seen more bloodshed than Vlad the Impaler


(Not actual blood though, just stuff on TV
Which can be pretty realistic as I'm sure you’ll agree)


But when I bend over you better put your sunnies on
‘Cos my arse is the place where the sun shines from


I’m not a fashion victim, it’s a victim of me
I buried that bitch in the pet cemetery


When it came back to life, I killed it once more
by feeding it to a savage herd of hungry wild boar


I’m more bang for your buck than a one dollar A-bomb
that’ll blow ya back the fuck to wherever you are from


I’m awesome — More ore than Rio Tinto
I’ll have ya fallin’ faster than Clapton’s baby from a window


I’ll blow your mind to smithereens like a vintage Luger
And appear in ya sweet dreams like Freddy Kruger


Now as the plot thickens like a book by Dickens
Your thoughts’ll run around like a pack o’ headless chickens


’Cos I’m the guy who makes all the ladies feel moist
So hang your soaking undies out on ya Hills Hoist


The name’s Rex Durkin, my mates call me Durko
and I’m writing this poem when I should be at work-o